Ambivalence is my curse.
n. uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
Whilst I would prefer more exciting words to describe me – none describe The Me as well as “ambivalent”. I live in the middle of the push and pull. I either lack the capacity to weigh pros and cons effectively or, the capability to execute a decision. This coupled with narcissism and obstinance – leaves me with choices made in the knowledge that it probably should have gone the other way.
I am the kind of person that flips a coin to make a decision and pick heads after it lands on tails. I trust neither myself, nor gravity. Would I follow the directions on Jack Sparrow’s compass – the one that points you to your hearts desire? Would a Magic 8 Ball do?
The world keeps spinning – whether we make a good decision, a choice we regret… or neither. Sometimes, I feel I am running against its direction – in some vague, faint, pointless attempt to catch up with my past – to make new decisions that serve as a crutch for the old ones.
What a silly and tiring thing to do.
The soundtrack for this mood has been sponsored by Bob Seger. What an apt and beautifully written song.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcDCvQbOdig]
Against the Wind
Bob Seger
It seems like yesterday
But it was long ago
Janey was lovely, she was the queen of my nights
There in the darkness with the radio playing low
And the secrets that we shared
The mountains that we moved
Caught like a wildfire out of control
Till there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove
And I remember what she said to me
How she swore that it never would end
I remember how she held me oh so tight
Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then
Against the wind
We were runnin against the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin
Against the wind
And the years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searchin
Searching for shelter again and again
Against the wind
A little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter against the wind
Well those drifters days are past me now
Ive got so much more to think about
Deadlines and commitments
What to leave in, what to leave out
Against the wind
I’m still runnin against the wind
Well I’m older now and still
Against the wind