dating Archives - noellelynn writes

August 27, 2015

7 Red Flags When Dating A Girl

I said I would write this. I’m a firm believer of what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, so I dish it AND take it. Perk up, Playstation geeks.

Red Flag #1: 90% of her Instagram feed are selfies

She’ll love herself more than she can love anyone else. Now, I’m one for loving yourself, but diversify a little. Unless she’s a professional beauty blogger or influencer, there’s absolutely no reason for that shit-ton of selfies. Except crazy. Always crazy.

Red Flag 1B: More than 10 photo editing apps on her phone

This means she’s a 100% filtered, 100% photo-edited and 100% narcissistic. She probably has an altered state of reality and is living in her own little world. A great way to check it out would be to casually remark “I need to delete some apps from my phone, how many do you have?” If she has 2 folders of “Photography”, get yourself a new reality.

Red Flag #2: All her friends are “bitches” or “sluts”

Even worse, she doesn’t have female friends. She might try to pawn this off initially by saying she’s a “guy’s girl” but what’s really going on is she isolates or just isn’t a nice person to other women. If she’s not liked by other (any!) women, there’s a damn good reason why.

Red Flag #3: Tells you what she’s sexually into (or not) within 3 text messages

Now, we’re talking “dating” here, not “hooking up”. If she has a long list, paragraphed and well-punctuatuted – believe you me, you’re not the first person to receive that text. (Bonus points if she emphasises that she doesn’t do butt stuff) (It means she does).

Red Flag #4: She’s been engaged 3 times

I get once, maybe twice if she’s significantly older. But if she’s been engaged 3 times, you need to evaluate her definition of “long term commitment” as well as her ever-changing needs.

Red Flag #5: She’s constantly changing types of jobs

Today, she’s an accountant. Tomorrow, she’s a nail therapist, and the day after, she’s in fashion. Watch out for the girl with the always-changing mind – it’s highly likely having a “career” is a ruse and she’ll drop this smokescreen the minute the sperm meets the egg.

Red Flag #6: She asks about your finances on the first date/meeting

This one is pretty obvious. At least wait till the third date, woman.

Red Flag #7: She orders a salad on the first date

The pièce de résistance: she’s a salad orderer on a date! I have no issues with anyone have a sad salad for lunch but going on a date and ordering a salad is one of the saddest things I can think of. What are you going to talk about, the croutons? It means she’s wound so tight she can’t even relax and order a steak like any regular hot-blooded human.

Writer’s note: I’m like 3 of these red flags, so don’t bother trying to call me out.

May 20, 2013

5 Things Men Do That Drive Women Crazy (Good and Bad)

Here’s a short and extremely simple list of things men do that drive women crazy – both the good kind of crazy, and the bad kind of batshit crazy.

5 THINGS MEN DO THAT DRIVE WOMEN (GOOD) CRAZY

1. Hold their face while kissing them or kiss them on the forehead. Drives women crazy.

crazy carry

2. Pick them up, or carry them like they weigh nothing. All women like to feel like they’re thin, so at least pretend to not buckle under pressure.

crazy plans

3. Make plans. I can’t emphasize enough the value of making a reservation. Women don’t appreciate getting a 6pm phone call, “what do you feel like doing tonight?” when you’re supposed to meet at 8pm.

crazy foot rub

4. Foot rub. It doesn’t have to be ancient Oriental foot reflexology here, just a simple foot rub is enough to make our knees weak.

5. Send flowers. Sorry, but that shit still works. Haven’t you seen the way girls go nuts on Facebook with photos of flowers sent to them? Even better, try to be more imaginative and send over a pizza or something. It signifies “effort”. That you were thinking of us enough to spend 5 minutes to send something over. Works. Every. Time.

5 THINGS MEN DO THAT DRIVE WOMEN (BATSHIT) CRAZY

1. Phone problems: phone battery died, problematic phone, turns phone over on table, always on the phone with you, takes a call in another room. We hate this shit. Fix your fucking phone!

0 crazy dishes

2. Dishes. Men always seem to go for the “soak the dishes” instead of washing it. We all know it’s a deflection of work. The jig is up.

0 crazy drunk

3. Binge-drinking. No-one wants to be with the guy who drank more than everyone else, and is acting like a drunken buffoon. That shit is embarrassing for everyone.

0 crazy manchild

4. Man-child behavior. The guy in a semi-state of Boy Meets World, not quite a man, not quite a toddler.

0 crazy lost

5. Getting lost. Nothing causes our esteem in a man to drop quite like a guy calling you and telling you that he’s lost on his way to meet you. Firstly, that means your ass is waiting for him. Secondly, Google maps?? Maybe it’s the admitting of a failure that turns us off, but girls seem to always lose their minds when this happens. For God’s sake, even Tom Hanks managed to get himself and Wilson off that island.

See? So simple. 🙂

April 3, 2013

The Single Men.

This post would be the brother of my earlier blogpost, The Psycho Sisterhood. As many types of crazy girls exist, there are the stereotypical, uncomplicated molds of men. So, here are the various types of men, that a single girl might run into.

The Sweet Talker

Smoother than silk, sweeter than really sweet stuff – The Sweet Talker will spin a web made out of agave nectar as quickly as 15 minutes into the first date and this can temporarily blind the single girl (basically, you’d end up looking like Frodo in that spiderweb: incapacitated and wondering if Gollum will come to gnaw you out). The Sweet Talker’s game is easily identifiable and a lot of fun, as long as you’re aware that you’re in the House of Mirrors and the carnival’s about to close. The Sweet Talker will wax lyrical, and ambiguously, about commitment (“When we’re married, we’ll eat here all the time”), about the future (“I’m sure you have baby names, tell me!”) and about your family (“Are your parents awake, I’d love to meet them”). Yes, there are men out there who actually say these things. A little sugar never hurts, but you don’t want to lose anything to diabetes.

The Casual Caller

The Casual Caller will take you on a less-than-stellar road trip to nowhere. He’s the guy that likes to pop up occasionally via text to have a low-key catch-up conversation and will end it with one of the following, “Let’s meet up”, “We should have a drink”, “I really just wanted to say hello and keep myself on your radar in case I ever wanted to activate the Dick Signal”. The Casual Caller will keep you in his back pocket and this will never go anywhere.

The Manslut

“Playboy”, my ass. There are a whole lot of mansluts out there – the kind that feel a night out isn’t complete without banging a chick. They will hit on their friends’ girls, sleep with the friends’ girls (the better mansluts might have an internal conversation about whether that’s ok), call girls whores, grab you everywhere while dancing. To them, women are dispensable and disposable; but through it all, somehow manage to stay mildly charming. There’s no fine line between a “fun guy” and “manslut”. They’re all just mansluts.

The Cockroach

Nothing can stop or slow this guy down. You could be a woman who’s married, in a relationship or full-on lesbian, but when The Cockroach has got his sights on you, he can never be deterred. Just when you think you got him with that entire can of bug spray, he resurfaces a week later, waving his little antennae. Usually naturally charming, a good Cockroach manages to get you to enjoy the flirting, less capable Cockroaches are what we call “stalkers”. If you have kids, he will tell you that he loves kids and would like to meet yours. If you have a boyfriend, he will tell you that he’s better suited for you than him. If you tell him you’re a lesbian, he will ask you to bring your girlfriend along. There is no getting around The Cockroach.

The Too-Nice Guy

The sweet, nice guy that moves at such a glacial pace, that he finds himself in the Titanic of friend zones before he’s even realized it. The flaw of The Too-Nice Guy is that they accept that ridiculous reason of “Nice guys finish last”. No-one is asking you to be a dick. But you gotta have some throw-down if you wanna get a ho down.

Mr Big Stuff

Big suit, big job, big ego, big mouth. Mr Big Stuff is probably the most obvious type of man because you will find that you barely spoke during the date. He will constantly talk about himself, and is quite open about sharing because he loves himself. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to speak when you order. He’s also probably really big on working out but not in the best of shape. Mr Big Stuff is more full of himself than a Double Stuffed Oreo, and only for gluttons for punishment.

The Unavailable

Who says only single men date? Lots of men who are married or in relationships are expert at forging relationships with other girls, while keeping extremely nondescript about their statuses. You can always tell when a guy fits into The Unavailable box when you have never discussed relationships (either past or present), you usually go on group dates and he doesn’t ask you a lot of questions, just in case you ask them back. Everything would feel very light and easy, yet have a heavy anchor. Cut the line and let that ship sail.

So, there you have it. By the way, none of these types are from my personal dating experiences. If you can disprove this, please keep it to yourself.

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