This post started out as an innocent “should a girl sleep with a guy on a first date?” question and then mutated along the way into some kind of social discourse about “sluts”. Of course.
What women think about sleeping with a man on a first date
Every woman I spoke to fiercely advocates against sleeping with someone on the first date. Now, I’m no mathematician but these stats don’t add up. Obviously, there are some women out there sleeping with their first-dates. We’re not talking about one-night stands or casual encounters… we’re talking about a date: dinner, cocktails, conversation, laughter, kissing and boom.
A few of them feel early sex complicates getting to know each other. A couple feel that if you have sex on a first date and the guy disappears, it’s because you had sex with him. (To which, my response is: he would have ditched you anyway, 1st or 5th date. That, or he died before he could ask you out for a second date.) Then there are the assorted theories “men like the chase, so you can’t give it up to easily”, “they’re not going to buy the cow if you give out the milk for free”, “men don’t marry the girls who sleep with them on the first date” and the ever-popular “men need to put in some work to get the prize”. Antiquated notions perhaps but yet, there has to be some merit to these theories. The Madonna-whore complex is apparently still alive and well in 2013.
What men think about women who sleep with them on the first date
I interviewed about 6-7 guys on this and with the exception of 2 extremes, all of them are in the middle. Only ONE man well and truly doesn’t give a damn, or questions the morals of a girl who sleeps with him on a first date. He feels that if the chemistry was there, the date was great and resulted in sex, this would not deter, but in fact, encourage him to continue dating her. ONE OUT OF SEVEN.
Then, there was the other extreme. A guy who said he would NEVER continue dating a girl who sleeps with him on a first date. (This poor man was practically attacked by me during the interview. “What do you mean?!” You slept with her too, didn’t you?!”) His rationale is that he could never date someone who slept with him so easily even though it was him who set the scene and was obviously involved in the sexual pursuit at some point. I would like to declare this man a twat (thanks for letting me interview you though).
Probably the most intelligent man I interviewed (out of this sorry bunch) had great insight: It all comes down to intent. If he’s likes a girl (beyond a physical attraction), he will not put sex on the table on the first date, because he’s interested to get to know her. He broke it down to attributes taking different tones once sex has been involved too early. For example, “humor” and “intelligence”. If sex wasn’t involved for at least the first 5 dates, these attributes would be reflected and projected in a long-term relationship scenario – “this person would make my friends laugh, we’ll have intelligent conversations all the time”. Once sex has been introduced early, like on a first date, “humor” and “intelligence” would take on a sexual view – “this person is easy-going and casual” and “this person is smart enough to recognize a good time”. Brilliant.
What’s left? The middle ground. I hate middle ground – too many variables, too many “it depends” but unfortunately, that’s life. The general consensus seems to be “I will continue to date a girl who slept with me on a first date, unless she’s a slut”. This threw me off for a while because I didn’t know how to respond to this. “So you judge someone for behaving how you want them to?” was my first question. And then followed by, “What makes her a slut?”. And so, cue the discussion about what makes a slut, a slut.
Who are you calling a slut?
To be perfectly honest, it’s been ages since I’ve heard the word “slut” being used in company. Maybe it is a sign of the social embracing of the female sexual revolution! Or maybe I just don’t know any sluts, haha, who are we kidding. Here’s what I boiled down all the feedback about sluts, from both men and women, to:
1. Age
In my 20’s, the word “slut” was a commonly used word thrown around (not on me, jeez) – it seemed the easiest definition of a girl who was always with a different guy, or perceived to be sleeping around. Maybe it was because we just had a more limited vocabulary and experience. Now, as we are all older, casual sex seems to be an accepted outlet and expression. There is a lot less judgement on a man, or woman, for indulging in it. There seems to be a cloud of maturity surrounding it – sometimes it gets misinterpreted, sometimes it gets misused, but for the most part, it’s embraced as being healthy and in some cases, necessary.
2. Presentation
Probably the most key factor to the definition of a slut, or at the very least, “slutty”. Discussions on this have led me to believe that if a girl is consistently wearing skimpy clothes, she would be considered a slut, whether or not she has ever had sex before in her life. Let’s forget about all this “not judging a book by its cover” nonsense. The Bible isn’t wrapped by the Playmate of the Month. We are all in control of our skin, our front, our presentation – and we choose to believe that your outfit was not accidental. Presentation of behavior is also key. If you’re the sloppy girl, hanging off a different guy, leaving the club every weekend, people are going to label you more as a slut, more than sexually independent. A point that was brought up to me was that, if a girl still always behaves like a lady, in spite of her sexual behavior, she will still be considered a lady. Which brings me to the next point.
3. Discretion
You can get away with almost anything if you’re discreet, even murder. But like every good floater, your reputation will surely rise to the surface. Standard anti-slut behavior: don’t fuck within the group, don’t discuss your sexploits with too many people after, don’t bring all the guys you’re seeing together to one event. That’s not so hard, is it?
4. Confidence
Some women are extremely open about their sexual confidence, that it leaves no room for misinterpretation or name calling. They’re single and sexually active. Who are you calling “slut”? Men seem to be able to respect this but other women can’t handle this. Women are extremely harsh on their own gender, this is no surprise. A sexually open women is deemed “not marriage material” and a “slut in a blazer with power shoulders”. I personally think female sexual independence cannot truly exist primarily due to the nature of sexual organs. The vagina is always going to be the recipient. So, no matter how sexually forward and powerful a woman may present herself to be, she is still at the mercy of a man, physically – and unlike the man, is not necessary guaranteed an orgasm per go. This can be perceived as “short-changing” and might leave the woman filled with only regret of having “given it up” for nothing.
5. Mansluts
Yes, we are all aware of how unfair it is that men get to be playboys and women have to tattoo an “S” on their forehead. But as women, we’re more than half the population and we still can’t change this mentality? I know of many mansluts, but there aren’t any women who say “Urgh, he’s a total manslut, this is not what I want for the father of my child” – and mean it. Instead, what do women want to do? They want to the The One. The One that converts his manwhoring to monogamy. Women are our own downfall. We’re the goddamn problem.
To fuck or not to fuck?
If you’re looking for a relationship, or feel this person you’re on a first date with is intriguing, don’t have sex. If you do, it may not matter but it will affect the tone of the burgeoning relationship. Also, bear this in mind, no-one is truly themselves for at least the first 5 dates, it’s all an elaborate magical, Siegfried & Roy illusion. After that, the issues, insecurities, neuroses and throat-ripping tigers come to play. Sex is a powerful attribute, as contributing to a relationship as a sense of humor, work ethic or being nice to waiters. The physical act aside, it’s intimacy and sometimes, best saved for… well, intimacy. And if it happened, well then it happened, just maintain your dignity as a woman, don’t regret anything and if you’re ABC (Always Be Closing), then ABD (Always Be Discreet).
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAXxkNaRkp8]
Note: If there any men out there who can personally refute my declarations, please keep it to yourself.