1. Wear heels
Have you ever met a woman who didn’t grumble about her heels, complain that her feet were bleeding into her shoes, can’t walk far cos of her heels, hates you forever cos you made her walk, hates heels but hates looking short. We love the idea of heels but hate them to the core. It’s a self-loathing prophecy.
2. Wear thongs
I blame Sisqo for this one. Here we were all happy in the 90s with our VPLs and then all of a sudden, it became uncool. Everyone needed to wear “thongs”. And then it went from regular thongs to g-strings to t-strings and now to the what-the-hell-is-this c-string. I refuse to date anyone who thinks a g-string is sexy. A. It just shows too much ass and frankly I don’t have that much. B. Half the time, I’m wondering if there’s anyone walking behind me that can view my unadulterated, blissful wedgie removal. How is pulling a thong from your ass sexy?? Give me a good pair of granny panties anytime. I’ll make it look hot, don’t worry.
3. Hair removal
Sure we all made fun of Paula Cole’s hairy armpits (why does this post have so many 90s references?) but I feel really bad now for having misjudged her. Oh, to live in a world where hair on a woman was completely normal and even better, encouraged. Men can stop grumbling about having to shave now, hipster beards are in – whereas hairy legs will never be given their own Buzzfeed listicles. From shaving, to waxing to light pulse permanent removal. Why do we do this to ourselves?? I would like to take this opportunity to publicly apologise to all the girls who’ve ever had to do my Brazilian wax – I did not mean to call you a “mother-effin bitch” or “hope you die”.
4. Wear make-up
Don’t get me wrong. I love make-up. I love it because I’m not a natural beauty (it’s ok, I’ve come to terms with it). But if make-up was never invented and we were all just cheek-pinchers, what a happy world that would be. There would be no “Celebrities Without Make-up!!” articles (which by the way, if you are shocked at, I don’t think you know how make-up works). I would have saved thousands of dollars from trying to find the perfect concealer colour.
5. Exercise
Ok, this one is just me. Every woman I know loves to exercise, so can you guys please knock if off cos you’re making me look like an unfit mess.
6. Make reservations
I write about this one all the time – just for extra emphasis of how much women hate to do this shit. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll happily make reservations for other women but when it comes to making a reservation for a date/activity involving a man, there is so much inner turmoil and resentment. Even worse is if we’re put in a situation where a reservation should have, and wasn’t made. “I’m sorry, you want me to wait how long?”
7. Not eat
Every woman loves to eat. Including all the sad ones who go to restaurants and have salads. (Please pray for them). Here’s the best part: Men love it when you eat too! So just chow down without guilt or remorse! This is also why I could never date a fitness freak.