Wedding Bliss or Miss?

Whoever says that the engagement period is the best time of your life, is either delusional, out-of-touch, a liar or did not plan their own wedding.

In the span of 4 months, I’ve had about a million meltdowns and at least 1 major breakdown – which involved me sobbing in the arms of my  betrothed, who held me, bewildered under the misapprehension that choosing flowers and designing invites would be fun.

Here are all the ways it’s been FUN to plan a wedding.

1. Family Drama


This is everyone else’s wedding, didn’t you know? If you think it’s yours, HAHAHA. The requests and demands will leave you in tears and this is only the FIRST stage of planning – choosing the date. Give up your dreams of having the perfect anniversary date now.

2. The Delusion of Over-Achieving


This is the early phase of wedding planning: the “I can do it all!” and “How difficult can it be?” You convince yourself that once the venue and dress is set, everything else will naturally fall into place. I mean, how difficult can it be to choose some flowers and order a cake?

3. The Missing Minister


Having no real referrals for the right person to marry us, this hunt has proven to be odd, to say the least. Apparently finding a solemnizer in February for a wedding in December is way too advanced planning, or everyone is travelling or an estranged family member of one of our guests. True story. Recommendations welcome.

4. Let The Mini Meltdowns Begin!


I feel really sorry for my boyfriend (I find it pretentious to use the word “fiance”) – who put in months of planning the perfect proposal and enjoyed it for exactly ONE day before his doe-eyed love turned in a raging Bridezilla on a stampede. He now gets the enjoy my weekly headaches, rants against every hotel and venue in town and me turning down his every offer for help (like I’d let a boy choose the flowers).

5. It Costs How Much?!


Holy shit, weddings are expensive, I don’t care if you start off with the “small and simple” concept you agreed on when you were wrapped in each other’s arms. Once you peel the other person off, you’d realise that weddings are a billion dollar industry for a reason.

6. The Engagement Anxiety


This is a real thing. My man and I were at each other’s throats for a large chunk of this allegedly-blissful engagement period until we read up on “engagement anxiety” and how every little annoyance (does he really need to soak the dishes for 3 days?) makes you wonder, “Is he going to be like this for the rest of our lives??” (Yes.) Every tiny flaw becomes amplified (if you had sushi, wash the plate right away!) but eventually that too shall pass. For now.

7. Fake It Till You Make It


Get used to the phrase “It’ll look roughly the same as the picture, but a little different”. You’ll get it from florists, bakers, printers – and generally live in fear until the wedding day, afraid of the potential monstrosities that await you.

8. The Final Meltdown


I can joke about it now, but weeks leading up to the Meltdown Of All Time (MOAT), I’ve had daily headaches, teeth grinding, stomach problems, uncontrollable rage and tears until I finally ended up sobbing about all my problems, problems that haven’t happened yet, the photographer that stiffed us, why I’m not losing weight, that my dog is getting older and that I can’t manage everything on my own but no-one can help me. Which leads to the next stage…

9. Send Help


Accepting that I need help isn’t easy for someone like me, who’s capable as all hell. But trying to plan a wedding, an apartment move, co-ordinate printers, hotels, family, florists, bakers, candlestick makers; and handle the emotional stress of actually making a life-altering decision is not easy or possible for one human being. I cave.

A Bride At Any Age…

I’ve never watched “Say Yes to the Dress” and I’m about to get married at 39 years old. That’s a lot of non-preparation.

10 years ago, I happily watched my sister, my best friend and peers get married. Since then, I’ve truly embraced my life as a single woman (honestly, it’s a blast if you do it right) and last December on my birthday, my sweet boyfriend proposed to me.

Don’t get me wrong, it was something I always hoped for and nagged about pretty much since the moment we met – but 3 years in, a girl has to let some stuff go to live. So now, I find myself in new territory.

The most crucial issues have to be addressed first! What about the dress?! “I don’t want a wedding dress”, I declared! “You’re a crazy bitch!”, my sister responded. I knew exactly what I didn’t want – nothing traditional, poufy, white or bridal.


Bridal store assistants pursed their lips at me. My mother and sister turned their heads away from my dress choices. My email to our cake store started with, “I’d like to order a non-wedding wedding cake”.

In fact, here’s a picture of me in a bridal store in my Van Halen t-shirt (wearing a moodstone choker, no less).

Processed with VSCO with f2 preset

And then it slowly came upon me, my reluctance to be a bride. This is a slightly surreal moment for me, a moment I didn’t anticipate or plan to have at 39. Yes, everyone has different life stages and there’s no wrong age to get married if you’ve found love.

But I wasn’t prepared for it. I’m not a 28-year old girl in a 2 year relationship who can see where things are heading. I’m turning 39, headed to the proverbial alter with a man 5 years my junior.


But the moment arrived and I found myself completely unprepared. Nobody I know had gotten married recently – no-one had photographers or make-up artists to recommend. Nobody knew how much anything cost anymore.


All this made me feel isolated and if I couldn’t get a grasp on this bridal situation, how could I convince myself to be a bride? All this coupled with a few dramatic moments and vicious rumours really deterred me from feeling any form of bridal.


It’s taken me 3 months to come round and hop aboard the SS Bridal Brigade but here I am! I’m not talking a ballgown wedding dress or anything, let’s not go nuts – but I’m starting to get enthusiastic about the notion of me being a “bride”.


Whatever the hell that means.

8 Thoughts I’ve Had Since I Started Exercising


Anyone who knows me, knows I’m an over-thinker. I even wrote about over-thinking during yoga and decided silent, peaceful moments aren’t for me. So I joined a gym with lots of music. Fitness First. Yes, me.

1. The gym costs how much?!

dodgeball wrench

It ain’t cheap – but I also crumble from sales peer pressure. I’m currently paying around $150 a month for access to 2 gyms and that isn’t cheap. However, in my quest for fitness, I’ve realised I need people to yell at me, and tell me what to do. It’s like being in Nazi Germany for an hour – terrifying and effective.

2. Gym clothes cost how much?!

Just Go With It Panda

Honestly, what are gym clothes made of?? A pair of pants cost $80, a top costs $50 – and that’s just to start with. Let’s not even go to the cost of sports bras – honestly, was it hand-sewn by monks in remote Tibet or something?

3. That was just the warm-up?!


3 minutes into the workout: OMG, I’m so good at this, I feel GREAT!
5 minutes into the workout: It must be an hour already, I’m going to die, I need a rub-down and coconut water.

4. Sometimes you just want to dance.


My favourite part of the Les Mills programmes is the damn music. Sometimes, the jam is just too good, so I end up doing my own thing at the back of the room. And yes, I’ve tried Zumba and didn’t know what the cha-cha was all about – I’m only 25 years old, you know.

5. I punch myself in the face.

dodgeball bleedblood

This has happened several times now during a Combat class. And maybe a Pump class. Ok, maybe in all the classes. “Focus on your retraction”, they said. “Bring your fists back to your face”, they said.

6. My boobs are everywhere.

pitch perfect boobs

If it requires jumping or running on the spot, I WILL hold on to my breasts. I don’t care if it looks super weird or if the instructor is holding back her laughter… a girl’s gotta take care of her girls.

7. Sports Bras.


Which brings me to my next point: Sports bras. Men (or flat-chested women) clearly invented most of the sports bras out there. If you have anything over a B cup, you would know the struggle of putting on a cross back bra (it’s delicately shoving one boob in there at a time). Even worse are the ones which hook from behind. I don’t live in Downton Abbey, I don’t have a plethora of hand maidens just standing by to get me into my active wear. A major shout-out to Under Armour for making a proper zip-front sports bra (in cup sizes!) that straps my puppies down.

8. Everyone else is WAY better.


There’s always that ONE person who’s the fucking high-achiever in the class, and you’re there at the back, questioning all your choices in life, trying not die.


Have fun exercising just so you can validate the crap you stuff in your mouth.


7 Red Flags When Dating A Girl

Photo on 27-8-15 at 8.58 pm #3

I said I would write this. I’m a firm believer of what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, so I dish it AND take it. Perk up, Playstation geeks.

Red Flag #1: 90% of her Instagram feed are selfies

She’ll love herself more than she can love anyone else. Now, I’m one for loving yourself, but diversify a little. Unless she’s a professional beauty blogger or influencer, there’s absolutely no reason for that shit-ton of selfies. Except crazy. Always crazy.

Red Flag 1B: More than 10 photo editing apps on her phone

This means she’s a 100% filtered, 100% photo-edited and 100% narcissistic. She probably has an altered state of reality and is living in her own little world. A great way to check it out would be to casually remark “I need to delete some apps from my phone, how many do you have?” If she has 2 folders of “Photography”, get yourself a new reality.

Red Flag #2: All her friends are “bitches” or “sluts”

Even worse, she doesn’t have female friends. She might try to pawn this off initially by saying she’s a “guy’s girl” but what’s really going on is she isolates or just isn’t a nice person to other women. If she’s not liked by other (any!) women, there’s a damn good reason why.

Red Flag #3: Tells you what she’s sexually into (or not) within 3 text messages

Now, we’re talking “dating” here, not “hooking up”. If she has a long list, paragraphed and well-punctuatuted – believe you me, you’re not the first person to receive that text. (Bonus points if she emphasises that she doesn’t do butt stuff) (It means she does).

Red Flag #4: She’s been engaged 3 times

I get once, maybe twice if she’s significantly older. But if she’s been engaged 3 times, you need to evaluate her definition of “long term commitment” as well as her ever-changing needs.

Red Flag #5: She’s constantly changing types of jobs

Today, she’s an accountant. Tomorrow, she’s a nail therapist, and the day after, she’s in fashion. Watch out for the girl with the always-changing mind – it’s highly likely having a “career” is a ruse and she’ll drop this smokescreen the minute the sperm meets the egg.

Red Flag #6: She asks about your finances on the first date/meeting

This one is pretty obvious. At least wait till the third date, woman.

Red Flag #7: She orders a salad on the first date

The pièce de résistance: she’s a salad orderer on a date! I have no issues with anyone have a sad salad for lunch but going on a date and ordering a salad is one of the saddest things I can think of. What are you going to talk about, the croutons? It means she’s wound so tight she can’t even relax and order a steak like any regular hot-blooded human.

Writer’s note: I’m like 3 of these red flags, so don’t bother trying to call me out.

7 Red Flags When Dating A Dude



As someone who’s been in the dating pool for approximately 20 years now (it was a pool before, now it’s a puddle), I believe I’ve honed the art of spotting red flags in men (heeding my own advice, now that’s a skill I haven’t mastered yet). So here is my own bullshittery.

Red Flag #1: Messy Apartment

Wrangle an opportunity to see his apartment as soon as possible, and hopefully without early warning. This way you get to see it in all it’s glory. If you have to step over things to get to the sofa, which is cluttered with receipts, old magazines (and let’s hope nothing else), RUN (or stumble) out of there.

Red Flag #2: Nothing Lives in There

There is nothing with a life-force in his apartment.  No pets, no plants – the only thing thriving is bacteria. On the other hand, a man who owns 10 dogs (or 1 cat) shouldn’t be entertained either.

Red Flag #3: Nothing in His Fridge

Oh, hell no. Fake like you want a glass of water and check out his fridge. If there is absolutely nothing in his fridge besides a bottle of vodka, make like a tree and leave. It would be better to find a fridge full of rotting take-out than nothing.

Red Flag #4: Persistent Phone Problems

Nothing bugs me more than a man with persistent phone problems. Battery dying, no signal, Blackberry – it’s 2015! Get a proper damn phone! This means he’s not interested enough in maintaining any form of communication or relationship with anyone (not just you). Phone a friend, and go home.

Red Flag #5: He Has a Playstation Or More Than 1 Game on His iPad

Enough said.

Red Flag #6: Child of divorce

Oh, this one will get me in trouble but I believe I have the grounds (and experience) to make this diagnosis. Men of divorced parents tend to have a skewed sense, and cynical viewpoint, of relationships. They may not necessarily view monogamy as a necessity and tend to place value on other things like work and offspring.

Red Flag #7: He’s Over 38 and Has Never Been Married or in a Serious Relationship

There’s something is rotten in the state of Denmark. 38 upwards for a single man is a shifty and often suspicious time. If he has been in at least one long-term relationship in his life (4 years and above), you can exclude him. But if all he’s had are a series of flings, seriously consider his headspace – he will definitely pull the “I don’t ever want to get married” card on you at some point.


Happy dating y’all!


Writer’s note: I may have dated men with some or all of these red flags. If you know of this, keep it to yourself.