Category: Life

 

It’s impossible to not evolve when a single becomes a couple…  some people don’t change at all, and then there are the friends who go through a magnificent metamorphosis the minute someone enters their life. All of a sudden, you’re like “What have you done with my friend?!”

1. The Gushing Goon

Good Christ, shut up already. We get it, he’s the perfect man. You’re making the Barneys we’re dating look even more pathetic than they are. Now, here’s a medal, go choke on it.

2. The PDA Pain

Ok, we’re here to eat, and we don’t mean each others faces. Nobody knows where to look and frankly, all this display of feelings is making everyone feel uncomfortable especially the couples who can’t stand to look at each other.

3. The “We” Wench

That one friend who “we’s” all over you. So enthralled by the notion of finally being part of a couple, every other sentence out of her pissy mouth has the word “we” in it. “We will be doing this on Saturday”. “We watched that movie already”. “We have a suicide pact”. Nothing makes us happier than hearing “We broke up”.

4. The Know-It-All Knob

This bitch probably hasn’t been in a relationship for a while for whatever reason, and now that she’s in a relationship, she’s got advice for everyone. Conversations with her are like attending a reading of “How I Am An Awesome Girlfriend And How I Control And Make My Man Fall Madly In Love With Me – Trust Me, I’ve Been In This Relationship For 3 Months”.

5. The Share-My-Joy Shit

Great. You’re in a relationship. We are very happy for you. And now, you want us all to drink the Relationship Kool-Aid by setting us up with the most random of your beloved’s friends. “Let’s all get married together!” “Couples dinners!” “Oh, you’re not a couple, tough, no dinner for you!”.

6. The Ditching Dick

Possibly the worst crime on the list. The friend that deserts her friends because she is so completely wrapped up in the rapture of love and infatuation, never to be seen again. Until it’s over. We all get mesmerised, blinded and turned around sometimes, that’s understandable and forgivable… just don’t ditch the people who were there for you before the love of your life waltzed in.

 

*** I may have been one or two of these types before. If you know which ones, keep it to yourself.

What I look like when I’m singing in the car.

What I look like when I’m trying to parallel park.

Whenever something is a little too close.

Whenever a really big truck goes by me.

Me at stop signs.

When I’m trapped behind a godawful slow driver.

When I have to merge across 4 lanes of traffic.

Me, in almost every car park.

My road rage.

What I think I look like driving.

Sorry for all the Clueless references.

I love all these people and I need them in my life but seriously, this is what I need from you.

PEOPLE WHO NEED TO TALK LESS

The Girl Who Does My Brazilian Wax

My legs are awkwardly splayed, usually before a full-length mirror (I love myself, but no-one needs to love themselves that much), I have a stranger analysing my lady bits and there’s hot wax and an incredible amount of pain involved. This is no time for small talk. No, I don’t want to explain what a “freelance graphic designer does” or what my love life is looking like. Just rip the ever-loving hair off and let’s pretend we never met.

The Girl Who Does My Nails

Why is there conversation happening beyond “Not too short, oval-shaped, this colour”? I’m already woefully aware of the state of my cuticles, we probably have a language barrier happening and yet this is the time you want to know all about my life? Not a lot is going on if I’m getting my nails done at 2pm on a Tuesday!

The Person Who Does My Hair

Ok, this one kills me every time. This is not your time to shine, hair stylists who want to point out everything that is wrong with my hair. I KNOW what is wrong with my hair. I know YOU know what is wrong with my hair. Let’s just fix it and not ruin the illusion that hair looks nothing like a Victoria’s Secret runway model’s. Thankfully I have found a hair stylist who speaks little English and knows how to make me look pretty.

PEOPLE WHO NEED TO TALK MORE

My Gynaecologist

This one may seem surprising. I love my gynaecologist because he laughs at all my jokes, we chat about all kinds of stuff while he straps on his miner hat and goes hunting. I think if someone is going to be grabbing your boobs and be all up in your lady business, you need to have the bare minimum of a conversation.

Bartenders

I LOVE chatty bartenders. Tell me what’s in my cocktail, gossip about the crazy people in the bar and of course, give me more alcohol!

The art of arguing in relationships is a finely honed craft that is known by no-one. Anyone who says they have a healthy argument system with their partner is lying their fucking asses off because we all know they have their breaking point where someone ends up yelling something completely ridiculous, childish and asinine. You are already a massively flawed human being and being in a relationship is basically 2 lab rats being placed in a uncontrolled-environment experiment where is everyone is watching, waiting to see what happens (ok, everyone is really watching to see you fall apart). Is there anything better than witnessing a couple having a massive argument in public? I think not.

I’ve had the joy of being a spectator to these arguments in real life, the unpleasantness of going through some myself and the support of interviewing a whole bunch of people to understand why men and women argue so differently. Before I break it down, here is my (generalised) conclusion:

All women’s arguments come down to: Don’t you care about me?

All men’s arguments come down to: What more do you want from me?

 

Emotion vs Logic

Oh, men are the great perpetrators of logic! Logic triumphs over all! Away with you, silly emotional women! When did emotion get such a bad rep? In 2013, haven’t we established that EQ is as, if not more, important than IQ? Sometimes it feels like the minute a woman opens her mouth, the man has already dismissed her intentions as trite and sends her scuttling away back into the kitchen.

Women:

1. Stop rambling the fuck on.

2. Take a deep breath, NEVER RAISE YOUR VOICE.

3. Present your points like Bill Gates launching a new operating system (if you go the Apple presentation route, you run the risk of appearing too excited, causing him to say “This same shit again??”).

Nothing disarms, unsettles and freaks the fuck out of a guy more than when a woman is calm.

Men:

1. If you care about this woman, shut up and listen. Women are naturally hormonal, whether we want to be or not, we cannot help it. Sometimes we whisper, sometimes we scream, just listen.

2. Only mention her “hormones” or “time of the month” if you want to die. Even if you are joking, we still want to poison you slowly and watch you wither away to an excruciating death.

3. You are most likely going to be most logical between the two of you. Realise, that while you are logical, you may not always be right. (And I don’t mean right as in “correct”, I mean what is right for your relationship)

Nothing shuts a woman up faster than if you take her hand and tell her, “I hear you, tell me what you’re feeling”.

Fight Fair

Dirty fighting isn’t tolerated in any sporting arena (from sumo to MMA). This isn’t Fight Club, and if it was, at least one of you look like Brad Pitt. No dirty punches, sly kicks or eye jabs. The name of the game is to get your point across and not to mortally wound your partner. This isn’t Bloodsport. If you are incapable of not ripping his head off and shoving it up his ass, simply say you need some time to collect yourself and will discuss this later.

Big Girls Don’t Cry

Women who cry to turn an argument around have ruined crying for the rest of us. Sometimes, we cry because we frustrated or plain ol’ sad. Then you have the tear-jerking cry babies who turn on the faucet when the argument isn’t going their way. I’ve received two different responses from men I asked about this. One feels that when he sees a woman cry, his “robotic-logical” side gets switched off and he realises he needs to be more emotional and in touch with what this woman is trying to say. Conversely, the other person I asked said that he does not give a shit about a woman crying – whether it’s real or crocodile. In fact, his actual words were “when a woman starts crying, I’m getting in my boat and rowing the hell out of there”.

Fight In The Now

It’s rare that an argument happens and stays in the present. Usually a truckload of shit gets dragged up and snowballs into every argument after. I’m guessing this means you’re basically arguing about the same problem – presented in different forms.

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Note: I write a lot about this stuff but the simple fact is that I know shit about shit. I don’t know how to argue any better than the next person. I’m passive-aggressive, non-confrontational and yet opinionated. Thanks to everyone who let me interview them.

This one is for all the newly minted lovers in the house.

1. No-one knows what the hell is going on

Do you call? Does he call? Are you supposed to spend all your time together? Where do your friends fit in all this? Can you stop wearing your good underwear now?

2. The term “girlfriend/boyfriend” is either used liberally or not at all

The first it’s used in public, or at all, is always a zing (or miss) moment…

3. You discover which of your friends are truly happy for you

Women bond over misery, so when one breaks away from the pack in glee, it can lead to bitterness and failed friendships. Don’t be the assholes that ditch their friends for a relationship though.

4. You actually enjoy clubbing together

You may or may not also have had your first argument in a club.

5. You talk about them to your friends like you’re conducting an airplane safety briefing – with optimistic caution

“We’re probably not going to crash today, but if we do, we know where the exits are”.

6. There is no trace evidence of this relationship on Facebook.

Most functioning adults are aware that as quickly a relationship can be updated on Facebook, it can also be removed. Keep that shit under wraps until you’re engaged.

7. You have no regular body functions

What’s “pooing?”.

8. You haven’t left the bed in weeks

9. One or both of you have put on weight

10. The things that will annoy you soon, are currently endearing

See: bed-hogging, snoring, burping, clumsiness…

I apologise for all the usage of Sex and The City.

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