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The Single Men.

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This post would be the brother of my earlier blogpost, The Psycho Sisterhood. As many types of crazy girls exist, there are the stereotypical, uncomplicated molds of men. So, here are the various types of men, that a single girl might run into.

The Sweet Talker

Smoother than silk, sweeter than really sweet stuff – The Sweet Talker will spin a web made out of agave nectar as quickly as 15 minutes into the first date and this can temporarily blind the single girl (basically, you’d end up looking like Frodo in that spiderweb: incapacitated and wondering if Gollum will come to gnaw you out). The Sweet Talker’s game is easily identifiable and a lot of fun, as long as you’re aware that you’re in the House of Mirrors and the carnival’s about to close. The Sweet Talker will wax lyrical, and ambiguously, about commitment (“When we’re married, we’ll eat here all the time”), about the future (“I’m sure you have baby names, tell me!”) and about your family (“Are your parents awake, I’d love to meet them”). Yes, there are men out there who actually say these things. A little sugar never hurts, but you don’t want to lose anything to diabetes.

 

The Casual Caller

The Casual Caller will take you on a less-than-stellar road trip to nowhere. He’s the guy that likes to pop up occasionally via text to have a low-key catch-up conversation and will end it with one of the following, “Let’s meet up”, “We should have a drink”, “I really just wanted to say hello and keep myself on your radar in case I ever wanted to activate the Dick Signal”. The Casual Caller will keep you in his back pocket and this will never go anywhere.

 

The Manslut

“Playboy”, my ass. There are a whole lot of mansluts out there – the kind that feel a night out isn’t complete without banging a chick. They will hit on their friends’ girls, sleep with the friends’ girls (the better mansluts might have an internal conversation about whether that’s ok), call girls whores, grab you everywhere while dancing. To them, women are dispensable and disposable; but through it all, somehow manage to stay mildly charming. There’s no fine line between a “fun guy” and “manslut”. They’re all just mansluts.

 

The Cockroach

Nothing can stop or slow this guy down. You could be a woman who’s married, in a relationship or full-on lesbian, but when The Cockroach has got his sights on you, he can never be deterred. Just when you think you got him with that entire can of bug spray, he resurfaces a week later, waving his little antennae. Usually naturally charming, a good Cockroach manages to get you to enjoy the flirting, less capable Cockroaches are what we call “stalkers”. If you have kids, he will tell you that he loves kids and would like to meet yours. If you have a boyfriend, he will tell you that he’s better suited for you than him. If you tell him you’re a lesbian, he will ask you to bring your girlfriend along. There is no getting around The Cockroach.

 

The Too-Nice Guy

The sweet, nice guy that moves at such a glacial pace, that he finds himself in the Titanic of friend zones before he’s even realized it. The flaw of The Too-Nice Guy is that they accept that ridiculous reason of “Nice guys finish last”. No-one is asking you to be a dick. But you gotta have some throw-down if you wanna get a ho down.

 

Mr Big Stuff

Big suit, big job, big ego, big mouth. Mr Big Stuff is probably the most obvious type of man because you will find that you barely spoke during the date. He will constantly talk about himself, and is quite open about sharing because he loves himself. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to speak when you order. He’s also probably really big on working out but not in the best of shape. Mr Big Stuff is more full of himself than a Double Stuffed Oreo, and only for gluttons for punishment.

 

The Unavailable

Who says only single men date? Lots of men who are married or in relationships are expert at forging relationships with other girls, while keeping extremely nondescript about their statuses. You can always tell when a guy fits into The Unavailable box when you have never discussed relationships (either past or present), you usually go on group dates and he doesn’t ask you a lot of questions, just in case you ask them back. Everything would feel very light and easy, yet have a heavy anchor. Cut the line and let that ship sail.

 

So, there you have it. By the way, none of these types are from my personal dating experiences. If you can disprove this, please keep it to yourself.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-WFNbMohTQ]

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First-date Sex, Full-time Sluts.

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This post started out as an innocent “should a girl sleep with a guy on a first date?” question and then mutated along the way into some kind of social discourse about “sluts”. Of course.

What women think about sleeping with a man on a first date

Every woman I spoke to fiercely advocates against sleeping with someone on the first date. Now, I’m no mathematician but these stats don’t add up. Obviously, there are some women out there sleeping with their first-dates. We’re not talking about one-night stands or casual encounters… we’re talking about a date: dinner, cocktails, conversation, laughter, kissing and boom.

A few of them feel early sex complicates getting to know each other. A couple feel that if you have sex on a first date and the guy disappears, it’s because you had sex with him. (To which, my response is: he would have ditched you anyway, 1st or 5th date. That, or he died before he could ask you out for a second date.) Then there are the assorted theories “men like the chase, so you can’t give it up to easily”, “they’re not going to buy the cow if you give out the milk for free”, “men don’t marry the girls who sleep with them on the first date” and the ever-popular “men need to put in some work to get the prize”. Antiquated notions perhaps but yet, there has to be some merit to these theories. The Madonna-whore complex is apparently still alive and well in 2013.

What men think about women who sleep with them on the first date

I interviewed about 6-7 guys on this and with the exception of 2 extremes, all of them are in the middle. Only ONE man well and truly doesn’t give a damn, or questions the morals of a girl who sleeps with him on a first date. He feels that if the chemistry was there, the date was great and resulted in sex, this would not deter, but in fact, encourage him to continue dating her. ONE OUT OF SEVEN.

Then, there was the other extreme. A guy who said he would NEVER continue dating a girl who sleeps with him on a first date. (This poor man was practically attacked by me during the interview. “What do you mean?!” You slept with her too, didn’t you?!”) His rationale is that he could never date someone who slept with him so easily even though it was him who set the scene and was obviously involved in the sexual pursuit at some point. I would like to declare this man a twat (thanks for letting me interview you though).

Probably the most intelligent man I interviewed (out of this sorry bunch) had great insight: It all comes down to intent. If he’s likes a girl (beyond a physical attraction), he will not put sex on the table on the first date, because he’s interested to get to know her. He broke it down to attributes taking different tones once sex has been involved too early. For example, “humor” and “intelligence”. If sex wasn’t involved for at least the first 5 dates, these attributes would be reflected and projected in a long-term relationship scenario – “this person would make my friends laugh, we’ll have intelligent conversations all the time”. Once sex has been introduced early, like on a first date, “humor” and “intelligence” would take on a sexual view  – “this person is easy-going and casual” and “this person is smart enough to recognize a good time”. Brilliant.

What’s left? The middle ground. I hate middle ground – too many variables, too many “it depends” but unfortunately, that’s life. The general consensus seems to be “I will continue to date a girl who slept with me on a first date, unless she’s a slut”. This threw me off for a while because I didn’t know how to respond to this. “So you judge someone for behaving how you want them to?” was my first question. And then followed by, “What makes her a slut?”. And so, cue the discussion about what makes a slut, a slut.

Who are you calling a slut?

To be perfectly honest, it’s been ages since I’ve heard the word “slut” being used in company. Maybe it is a sign of the social embracing of the female sexual revolution! Or maybe I just don’t know any sluts, haha, who are we kidding. Here’s what I boiled down all the feedback about sluts, from both men and women, to:

1. Age

In my 20’s, the word “slut” was a commonly used word thrown around (not on me, jeez) – it seemed the easiest definition of a girl who was always with a different guy, or perceived to be sleeping around. Maybe it was because we just had a more limited vocabulary and experience. Now, as we are all older, casual sex seems to be an accepted outlet and expression. There is a lot less judgement on a man, or woman, for indulging in it. There seems to be a cloud of maturity surrounding it – sometimes it gets misinterpreted, sometimes it gets misused, but for the most part, it’s embraced as being healthy and in some cases, necessary.

2. Presentation

Probably the most key factor to the definition of a slut, or at the very least, “slutty”. Discussions on this have led me to believe that if a girl is consistently wearing skimpy clothes, she would be considered a slut, whether or not she has ever had sex before in her life. Let’s forget about all this “not judging a book by its cover” nonsense. The Bible isn’t wrapped by the Playmate of the Month. We are all in control of our skin, our front, our presentation – and we choose to believe that your outfit was not accidental. Presentation of behavior is also key. If you’re the sloppy girl, hanging off a different guy, leaving the club every weekend, people are going to label you more as a slut, more than sexually independent. A point that was brought up to me was that, if a girl still always behaves like a lady, in spite of her sexual behavior, she will still be considered a lady. Which brings me to the next point.

3. Discretion

You can get away with almost anything if you’re discreet, even murder. But like every good floater, your reputation will surely rise to the surface. Standard anti-slut behavior: don’t fuck within the group, don’t discuss your sexploits with too many people after, don’t bring all the guys you’re seeing together to one event. That’s not so hard, is it?

4. Confidence

Some women are extremely open about their sexual confidence, that it leaves no room for misinterpretation or name calling. They’re single and sexually active. Who are you calling “slut”? Men seem to be able to respect this but other women can’t handle this. Women are extremely harsh on their own gender, this is no surprise. A sexually open women is deemed “not marriage material” and a “slut in a blazer with power shoulders”. I personally think female sexual independence cannot truly exist primarily due to the nature of sexual organs. The vagina is always going to be the recipient. So, no matter how sexually forward and powerful a woman may present herself to be, she is still at the mercy of a man, physically – and unlike the man, is not necessary guaranteed an orgasm per go. This can be perceived as “short-changing” and might leave the woman filled with only regret of having “given it up” for nothing.

5. Mansluts

Yes, we are all aware of how unfair it is that men get to be playboys and women have to tattoo an “S” on their forehead. But as women, we’re more than half the population and we still can’t change this mentality? I know of many mansluts, but there aren’t any women who say “Urgh, he’s a total manslut, this is not what I want for the father of my child” – and mean it. Instead, what do women want to do? They want to the The One. The One that converts his manwhoring to monogamy. Women are our own downfall. We’re the goddamn problem.

To fuck or not to fuck?

If you’re looking for a relationship, or feel this person you’re on a first date with is intriguing, don’t have sex. If you do, it may not matter but it will affect the tone of the burgeoning relationship. Also, bear this in mind, no-one is truly themselves for at least the first 5 dates, it’s all an elaborate magical, Siegfried & Roy illusion. After that, the issues, insecurities, neuroses and throat-ripping tigers come to play. Sex is a powerful attribute, as contributing to a relationship as a sense of humor, work ethic or being nice to waiters. The physical act aside, it’s intimacy and sometimes, best saved for… well, intimacy. And if it happened, well then it happened, just maintain your dignity as a woman, don’t regret anything and if you’re ABC (Always Be Closing), then ABD (Always Be Discreet).

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAXxkNaRkp8]

Note: If there any men out there who can personally refute my declarations, please keep it to yourself.

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Great Expectations.

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I am sitting on the fence of Expectations and frankly, my ass is getting a little sore. I’ve spoken to a few friends and am still an undecided voter. Are expectations are necessary part of life to establish standards and boundaries, or just the Devil that causes misunderstandings and misalignments? Initially, I thought that age going up pushes expectations down, but I’ve realized it’s more a social divide. So, I’ve split this thorny subject into 2 camps – single people, and everyone else. (*Disclaimer below)

SINGLES DATING EXPECTATIONS

  1. If a single girl gives you her number, she expects communication within 24 hours. From that point of communication, she expects to be asked out within 3 days. If this does not happen, you are dead to her.
  2. She expects you to either choose the activity for the date or give suggestions. From your options, she can gauge many things about you: how interested you are, if you’re a cheap scrub, creative, etc… and for the love of God, please make a reservation.
  3. She expects you to pay. If she doesn’t, she’s most likely having self-esteem issues and looks at splitting the bill as power or validation.
  4. If the chemistry was right and there’s going to be a second date, she expects to hear from you within 24 hours, else maybe you died on the way home and in that case, sorry for your loss.

SINGLES SEX-PECTATIONS

  1. Do not fall asleep until/unless she’s fallen asleep. She does not expect to listen to your whale-like snoring while she’s wondering what the hell to do with herself.
  2. At the very least, post-coitus, she expects your lazy ass to wake up and put her in a cab. At the very least.
  3. She expects to hear from you within 12 hours. No-one is asking for a marriage proposal, even a hello will suffice. After where your hands have been, your thumbs can’t work out a “Hey there”?

SINGLES SELF-PECTATIONS

  1. “Lower your expectations” –– Non-single friends of single girls are constantly putting them in their place (oh, where would be be without these special people?) by telling them to constantly lower their expectations (in other words, “aim lower and maybe you won’t die alone hugging 10 cat skeletons”). Frankly, I’ve haven’t met an over-30 year old single girl who has ridiculously high expectations (Hope Diamond, holidays homes, watches Dirty Dancing every weekend together) – they are usually quite simple. It doesn’t get any lower than “simple”.
  2. “Go out with him but don’t have any expectations” –– We are basically given advice to have absolutely no boundaries, standards, hopes or goals. Why on earth would I waste my time going out with someone and not have any expectations? I might as well stay home, watching re-runs of Sex & The City, being thankful I’m not the Samantha (this may, or may not, have happened recently). Expectations are guides that let you know if someone else is on the same path and wavelength as you. If they’re not, call it quits. If they are, aren’t you glad you had standards?

WIVES-PECTATIONS

  1. Wives seem to be expected to be spending all their free time with their husbands. I know of a few married women who enjoy clubbing/partying and generally do so, without their husbands. Nothing illicit is going on – it’s just the dynamic of their relationship. They get flak for this from the majority of other married women. It’s considered strange that they go out at night without their husbands. It’s 2013 – they’re not being hunted by roaming harem builders.
  2. Adding on to that, they’re not expected to go out at night, drink and dance while the whole time, their tiny, helpless children are sleeping peacefully in their beds. Quelle horreur! What would you have been doing with your children at midnight? Crafting home-made strawberry daiquiris? Put them to bed, put on your heels and motor!
  3. Wives and mothers, in particular, are not expected to continue having lofty career ambitions. They are not expected to have identities or lives of their own.
  4. New mothers are expected to breastfeed. (Breast is best, we all know, go knock on someone else’s door)

Moral of this entire post: The only expectations that matter are the ones you set for yourself. Everything else will fall into place… when you least expect it.

*Generic disclaimer: Yes, yes, there are exceptions to all these norms. You are special. You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

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Saving (Social) Grace.

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I survived the holiday season with minimal stupid questions asked to me. I’d like to think my warning Facebook post helped repel the typical asinine small talk I, as a single person, get. I did get a “Hi! Haven’t seen you in so long….. …… Are you married yet?” from someone in a very publicly bad marriage, so there was that.

So here’s a list of 5 things you shouldn’t say to anyone unless you’re deliberately trying to hurt their feelings and/or look like a jackass.

1. Talk about weight

Everyone owns a mirror. They don’t need you to blurt out “You’ve put on weight!” in front of a crowd, leaving you having to either look away in shame or collapse to the floor, crying “I eat my feelings“. And yet, there are those people that are so incapable of small talk and feel this is nothing more than a harmless opinion that desperately needs to be voiced out. The worst part of these kind of comments is that trying to counter them makes you look like an overly defensive fat cow.

Telling someone they’ve lost weight is only a bad thing to say when you mean it in a negative way. For example, “you’ve lost so much weight, you don’t look good”. Yes, people actually say this.

Respond with: “I’ve got some kind of rare blood disease that causes the weight to up/down”. For all they know, this could very well be true and hopefully teach them to keep their damn mouths shut.

 

2. Ask about relationships

Every single girl’s nightmare. Single men don’t seem to be so afflicted or concerned by this question. Anyone that asks this question may think it’s harmless but they need to realise it’s almost getting us to admit that we’re flawed and incapable of finding love. It has been my observation though, that the only people who ask this question are usually unhappy  in, or questioning, their own relationships. Let’s look at it this way, if you were that close or important, you’d already be in the know, so enough of the “Seeing anyone special?” “Have you got a boyfriend?” “When will you be getting married?” “What’s wrong with you that no-one wants to complete you and be the yin to your yang you big fat loser?”

Respond with: “No”. Just one word. If they try to pursue a conversation, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Sorry, no sharp witty response from me on this one because lord knows, I am sick and tired of trying to be smart to stupid people.

 

3. Ask about babies

Every married person’s nightmare. “When are you going have a baby?” “When are you going to have your second?” “When are you going to turn into Michelle Duggar and have your own tv show?” This is horribly insensitive question to ask because you could have no idea on the kind of reproduction challenges a couple has and all you did is rip into their hearts with your questions that’s basically asking them about the opening sequence of “Look Who’s Talking”.

Respond with: “Well we had sex last night, so fingers crossed!”

 

4. Price

There are the women out there that feel it’s completely ok to ask someone you’ve just met “That’s a nice dress! How much was it?” It’s a great question to completely blindside someone classy who has usually removed the price tag from her outfit. I have on occasion, asked this question to friends I’m close to and I think that’s ok – if it’s handled discreetly and prefixed with “I hope you don’t mind if I ask…”. I know of women who inspect closets and friends from head to toe to competitively determine value.

Respond with: “It was a gift”. End it at that. While we’re at it, don’t ask someone how much money they earn either, that’s just low.

 

5. Unsolicited opinions

My biggest pet peeve. People opening their damn mouths, pointing out your flaws and how to right the wrongs when they haven’t been asked. These people have got themselves so high on a pedestal that you should feel honored they noticed you all the way down in the bottom of the barrel. “Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope”. I will never understand how people can be so judgmental and passionate about their presumptions but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with low self-esteem and possibly small boobs.

Respond with: Sorry, I got nothing. I would love to be the kind of person who could calmly assert “Let me stop you right here. I’m ok with my life, so please don’t feel the need to judge it to me or anyone else”. Unfortunately, I’m somewhat of a pushover (read: pussy) and hate confrontations (read: pussy). It’s one part of my two-parter resolution, “Fuck bitches. Get money”.

 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFYWxL_Y1bk]

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No Hablo Manspeak.

Lord knows I’ve written enough about crazy girls (here and here). I love crazy girls. Sometimes though, they drive themselves crazy trying to break the original Da Vinci code of it all – the Manspeak. So, when the site HeTexted was introduced to me, it all made perfect sense. The universal question women seem to be asking themselves (and each other) the most now is “What the hell does he mean??”.

I’m an advocate (in theory, at least) of saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. Be honest to yourself about your intentions and what you want, and you will receive it. However, as people get older, their defenses come up – it’s a lot easier to bounce back from heartbreak at 20, than at 33. So everyone is either super careful, or uber careless. Along the way, some kind of two-thumbed Morse code was developed for communication between men and women. Female code is fairly easy to decipher; they’re rarely ambivalent, they’re usually happy or pissed. For example:

“:)” = I want to have your babiesssssss!!
“;)” = I want to practice having your babiesssss!
“I’m fine.” = Fuck off and die.
“Ha.” = Fuck off and die.

Men, on the other thumb, have the occasionally uncomfortable task of trying to solicit sex and/or break-up, while trying to ensure they don’t end up with a braised pet of some sort.

So, my dear, dear ladies… there are very few exceptions to these rules and the chances that you’re it, are slim. Help me, help you.

 

1. “I just came out of a relationship” = “I just want to have sex” / “I don’t want a relationship with you”

Unless that relationship included kids, so? It’s a big fat excuse. Women will instantly want to try to fix this man – to be the soothing balm for their wounds. Snap out of it and realize that while he’s toying with you and allegedly getting over someone else, he’s either a liar, greedy or indecisive. None of those are good qualities. Move on!

 

2. “I’m not ready for a relationship” = “I just want to have sex” / “I don’t want a relationship with you”

Are we getting it yet? Men have mostly 2 intentions for women – and if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it just wants to fuck.

 

3. “I’m focusing on work” = “I don’t like you enough to make time for you”

Is he finding a cure for cancer? There are men out there who have successful jobs and TWO families, so don’t turn this bullshit excuse into a reason.

 

4. “Let’s just hang-out” = “Let’s occasionally have sex”

***credit for this translation goes to “a sexy, obviously experienced, worldly, sexy guy friend”.

 

5. “I have a girlfriend. You’re so pretty” = “I just want to discreetly have sex with no romantic entanglements”

The “I have a girlfriend” statement that comes with a compliment is usually a two-door directive: close your heart, open your….

 

6. “Things aren’t going well with my girlfriend” = “I just want to have sex”

See above: duck fuck.

 

7. “We’re just in different places right now” = “I can’t think of a more specific-vague way of telling you I don’t really like you”

He doesn’t even like you enough to think of better bullshit!

 

8. “I’m going to be traveling a lot” = “I can’t be bothered to keep this charade going”

FYI, there’s even wi-fi at Mount Everest now.

 

9. “Let’s have dinner sometime” = “Never gonna happen”

If it’s noncommittal, he’s not committed.

 

10. “Never say never” = “Never “

See above.

 

11. “If you’re out, maybe we can grab drinks” = “I don’t have better plans”

If + maybe = he doesn’t really care either way.

 

12. “You deserve better than me” = “You need to chill the fuck out”

He is overwhelmed and/or has low self-esteem. You cannot fix someone else’s esteem issues. Move on.

 

Ladies, read the synopsis, reviews and signs before buying the book. And if you’ve already bought the book and you don’t understand it, don’t buy a dictionary, buy another fucking book!

 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWgUBFOCxB0]