Category: Life

It’s coming close to Singapore’s General Elections. To many Singaporeans, this means absolutely nothing. I live in a country where I have never voted before in my life. Never. Not once. This would not be surprising if I was 5 years old, but I am 32. I have watched countless other election races take place in the world, and we’ve discussed them – the most exciting of course being the election of Barack Obama as the first man of colour to be President of the United States. Of course what he’s done with that – is a different story. The point is that I’ve never had the opportunity to participate and partake of elections within my own country. And there are many like me as well. Oh don’t be so quick to yell “dictatorship” – you have to watch what you say in Singapore – while we’re not a litigious nation, you can be sued for defamation by the government quicker than double-checking the spelling of “defamation”. It’s this nature of government that has led to many opposition leaders being, either incarcerated or fined a hefty sum (which then, by Singapore law, prevent them for running for election). This was not in 1965 by the way, this was 2008. In protest to rising cost of living, an opposition leader and 18 other people stood in front of our Parliament House in red t-shirts and were arrested for doing so. Arrested for peacefully standing? Arrested for the fashion faux pas of wearing the same clothes? Perhaps arrested for having a point of view? Oh heaven forbid we have independent thought. p.s. 18 people does not a a demonstration make.

I don’t have any fancy (read: boring) political figures, dates or debates to talk about. Instead, I want to talk about my feelings on the whole matter.

I left for Australia in 2004 to get my degree in Communication Design – which at time, was a subject not available in Singapore. I knew, even before I left, that I would return home. Singapore is undoubtedly my home – even though I am a minority. I could only afford to visit home once a year and when I did, it made me miss it more. I missed the affordable cost of living, the high level of safety, the cheap taxis (a ride in Australia to the club would be about AUD40 then!), the food (dear God, I missed the food) and the little things that make Singapore, Singapore. I got my degree and returned home in 2006 – to my family, to my friends, to the plethora of readily available food. Did I mention I missed the food?

That’s when things started to change. In the last 5 years, I’ve watched and felt my country change from a familiar friend to a stranger that I barely recognise. It’s the fastest, slowest change you can imagine feeling. Almost overnight, Electronic Road Pricing systems sprung into place, to prevent road congestion, while I was stuck in jams in raised-price taxis. Suddenly, the faces of Singapore no longer spoke the same Singlish language – I had problems ordering food and drinks in the local dining places. All too soon, I had to let 4 trains (at 2 minute intervals) pass me before I was finally able to physically shove myself into one, to get home for dinner at 8pm. Of course, this hasn’t happened overnight – this has been a growing (literally) problem over the last 5 years – and I hate to break it to you, but 5 years is a very brief time for such major developments in a small nation like Singapore.

I hate what has happened to my country. It doesn’t even feel like my country any more. It feels like a temporary island of wild government experiments to see, perhaps, how many people can fit on one tiny dot before it sinks or how much money you can make per square foot. Strange policies of home ownership and citizenship has been adopted, abandoned, rewritten and reinforced – all over this span of 5 years. And it all, inevitably and obviously, comes down to our singular ruling party system in Singapore. The regime of the People’s Action Party (PAP) has controlled Parliament since 1959. This means no-one else has had a crack at it. I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t feel like democracy to me.

The upcoming election in 2011 might give you the power to exercise your take on democracy. Why might? The government (ruled by the PAP regime) has created Group Representation Constituencies for our housing estates (think of it like Nebraska and Winsconsin). That’s all fine and dandy, till they start redrawing the state lines – to become Nebraska-Wisconsin. So, since there’s now an uber-state, you would be hard-pressed to find an opposition that can take on this space and it goes uncontested, and once again, under the same regime. This is the reason why I have never voted before. I don’t anticipate being able to this election either – so my vote/voice goes unspoken, unnoticed and uncounted.

For everyone else that can vote this election, I sincerely hope that they vote for wisely and be informed. Do not rely on our print media sources – instead, check out the opposition parties and see if there’s any policy that speaks to you. While there may not be much of a presence from them, it’s highly unlikely that you’ve met your governing ministerial team either.

There won’t be an overthrowing of the ruling party anytime soon, so they should really be getting their knickers out of a wad and relax. But there can be the opportunity for healthy debate and questioning in the Parliament – isn’t this the way it should always be? But of course, this is just how I feel.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54IN3URGuM8&feature=related]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77lH5eaV7oU]

I’m one pill away from being diagnosed as clinically depressed or exaggeration – either one.

Something’s missing – and I have no idea what it is. Lots of people have things missing in their lives – and it’s not easy to pinpoint what it is. Some people have too much and find it hard to cope – job, family, kids… usually, that’s about it. For me, I have a somewhat, downgraded version of life and I’m beginning to realise we’re not exactly built this way. I think our human selves are made to take on more and adapt and grow. So, your system goes into a state of flux when there’s not enough balls to juggle (“your” system = “my” system – there’s a strong chance this only happens to me, but honestly, I’m not that special).

So, what makes a healthy life? A good balance (almost impossible to achieve) of different elements that focus on self and others? Our culture is indoctrinated to encourage others to add more elements to their lives (“Oh, when are you guys getting married? When are you guys having a kid? Another kid? Dying any time soon?”) – so there’s always going to pressure from all sides. Last Christmas, a family friend shook my hand and in one breath, asked, “Hi! Merry Christmas! When are you getting married?” There’s no appropriate response other than open-mouthed shock (and slight awe).

Here are the elements I have deciphered that could possibly make me happier (or more miserable):

• Work
  Most people define themselves by the type of work they do. As a creative, I’ll admit to loving the sweet rush of coming up with a really great concept, executing it well and finally seeing it in spaces. The cherry on top is when the response to it is positive. Of course, all this comes with blood, sweat, tears and regurgitation. People in “regular” jobs also tend to be impressed easily when you tell them that you work in the creative industry – it seems like a dream job, a pursuit of passion. I think I have come to a crossroad – either I pursue freelancing aggressively (let’s face it, I’ve been working for about 2-3 days a week and watching TV for the rest of the time. I’ll admit it!) or go back to the workforce – to the land of disposable and steady income. I’ve been earning a pittance while freelancing and I sorely miss having my Art Director salary. So, I either start a small business plan or get a job. (I’m giving myself a 50% rate of success)
• Exercise
  It’s amazing that I’m putting this at No.2 – I have never liked exercising and have only been on a treadmill once in my life and spent half the time trying to figure out the buttons. I did a dance class once with a girlfriend and that was actually quite good fun. Other than that, I’ve never joined a gym or done anything vaguely exercisey. However, the inevitability of gravity has caught up with me – and I see no other chance but to incorporate exercise into my life – in one way or another. I think the key is finding what you like to do. I love cycling so I do that quite a bit now. I also love music so I do brisk walking with my giant headphones (I can’t jog, I have the shins of a 70-year old woman). I am now considering adding yoga to this busy regime of mine – bearing in mind that I can’t even touch my toes when I bend. I need stuff like this to be accessible to me, so I’ll need to find somewhere close to where I live to get this done – and of course, doesn’t cost my spine. I am, however, realising the value of movement and hopefully, this realisation carries through. (I’m giving myself a 50% rate of success)
• Hobbies
  I have ignored the unrecognised value of engaging your mind. I have not painted in years (potato-printing with my niece does not count) and I hate that I keep wanting to do and yet am fixed, rooted, in one spot (this by the way, is the story of my life). I live only with intentions. Another activity I sorely miss is drumming. For some reason, I don’t have single photo of me drumming – all I have is the warm memories of how I felt every time I sat behind a kit. Till today, I strongly believe it’s the one thing I was born to do – because my God, it came almost effortlessly. I taught myself to play “Are You Gonna Go My Way” (drummed by the awesome Cindy Blackman) within the first hour of ever sitting at a kit. Bear in mind, that I had no idea what any of the drum parts were called. All I knew was “hi-hats” and “snare”. I can’t remember the second song I played but I remember being stumped by Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” for the few days after. Damn you, Ulrich – but thanks to him, all I wanted to do was run on the double bass. And within months, I played Dave Weckl licks and indeed, running on that double bass. I used to hear other drummers stop playing the practise rooms next door, and peep through my door. The last time I drummed was maybe a year ago – when I found a studio near my workplace and I was so unbelievably rusty and paranoid that people were peeping at me. So, do I have to drive to pick all this up again? (I’m giving myself a 50% rate of success) [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLhpHjmxNw8]
  
• Family
  Oh, this is a big one. My biological clock has been going off the hook recently – maybe it’s the flurry of peers having babies, maybe it’s PMS, maybe it’s inevitable, maybe it’s bullshit. Generally, I still don’t like babies but I’m at the stage now, where it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Of course, a supportive husband should come with that – I ain’t changing diapers on my own. But I’m still slightly sane enough to know that this is not the hole-filler I’m looking for right now.
• Volunteering
  I strongly believe that there is no such thing as true altruism. You still feel good when you help someone – and that pleasant feeling is of a benefit to you. That is of course, no reason to not do something nice for someone else. I won’t go into any volunteering work I’ve done – but I will accept that I have enjoyed it. The direction I would definitely love to see my helping out in, would be animals (of course). Animal rights would be my strongest rally – so I’d really like to organise my time to doing something with this. I’m fine with cleaning out cages. Twice a year, I round up Dolce’s toys and get some treats together to donate to the less fortunate dogs. Lord knows Dolce has plenty to spare.

 

So, in other words, I have some soul-searching to do. My biggest problem is that I’ll search and then do nothing about it once I realise the probable solutions. I need a motivator! A life coach! Someone like Tony Robbins, only not as tall. I need a hero!

As the brilliant George Michael wrote in his song, “Waiting for that day”:

“Now everybody’s talking about this new decade
Like you say the magic numbers
Then just say goodbye to
The stupid mistakes you made
Oh, my memory serves me far too well.”

2011 doesn’t mean shit. A new year just means you get the opportunity to snowball all the crap from the previous year to a new one – just so you can see how you evolve it. Life is only measured by the big stuff (weddings, life, death) and how often does that happen to you at any given time? All it is, is just a day-to-day shot of doing the same bullshit – OVER AND OVER AGAIN. There was nothing new about 2010 that didn’t happen in 2009. It might have looked a little different but that’s just its outfit. Don’t be fooled.

So, this existential crisis I’ve been having for a while, jumped on my back right into the new year with me. We even kissed each other at midnight. It’s the start of a beautiful friendship. What defines a person? A marriage? Or a happy marriage? How many happily married people do you know? Kids? How many parents do you know long for a weekend of freedom from their kids or a quiet moment? Jobs? How many people do you know love their jobs? What else is there in life? Partying? Hobbies? What the hell else is there in life and how do I get it?

Is it my job situation? Did I make the right decision to stop working for anyone and work from home, for myself, instead? No-one thinks I’m doing this right. They think I should go back into the work force and save freelancing for when I have my elusive children. This choice has been an odd split of conscience for me. On one hand, I’m completely self-satisfied because regardless of what you think, I am in an enviable position. I get to work from the comfort of my home, on my own personal time and without idiots of colleagues. On the other hand, something obviously turns your brain to mush without the constant interaction of clients, colleagues, suppliers. Are we just programmed to work or have I just not found the right formula for me?

Is it the kind of work I do now? Small, personal projects? I did enjoy working on nationwide design and branding campaigns. It’s always nice to open up the national newspaper and see your full page ad. I have to also admit that I like the quiet appreciation I have for the work I do now. It’s making a different to these little people, who genuinely seem to value the work I do for them. It’s very small work but I like feeling like I help them. Of course I miss having a team of design minions that used to do all the work while I came up with the big ideas, then YouTubed for the rest of the day – but do I miss them enough to take this small business further?

Money is also a big thing in my life right now. I used to love having a disposable income – I used to love high-end brands and only took cabs to get around. Now, I walk past Gucci without stopping and only take the train and buses. Yes, I take the bus. I fucking hate the bus. But I take it. Money is good – but at what cost? I had nice bags but also a severe gastric problem that caused me to throw up everyday until my teeth are permanently sensitive (because the enamel wore off).

I haven’t dated in months. My justification is that I am sick of dating morons, dicks and generally people I have nothing in common with or no interest in. Hey, what’s life without rationalisations? Would I want to date? I suppose so – why not? And yet as I keep retreating into myself – how can this possibly happen? I very rarely make eye contact with guys who smile at me now because I am not eager to just be disappointed or be a disappointment. I’m essentially cock-blocking myself.

My life is vastly different from what it was 2 years ago.By choice, by accident, by displacement, by me.

I’m still trying to figure out if “different” is a good thing or a bad thing. Almost everyone I know thinks it a bad thing. How can everyone be wrong?

And just to have a picture, here’s the only picture of me at New Years with my friendly hand-friend. Thumbs up to 2011.

A couple of years ago, I tried sending out lists to gift-givers as a suggestions of things to get. I’d always appreciate people sending lists, because there are the people who are impossible to shop for. However, I realised that no-one ever uses this list and so, I’m doing an open one – since I won’t get anything off this list either.

Uber Geeky Pen

This super cool pen is a pen (obviously), pencil, highlighter and ruler all in one. I’m a designer = I’m a geek. How cool is this?

Milk Frother

I love tea lattes, and I work from home, so I need to improvise on my own Starbucks. Simple, easy, happy.

Supa-fly bicycle mirrors

Yes, that’s from Ke$ha’s video. I loved her gold bicycle in it, especially the cool rear-view mirrors. Throw in some glittery tassels too, and I’ll be a happy rider.

Random other stuff love:

1. Accessories for either my iPod or iPhone
2. Bed linen
3. Female maintenance vouchers (spa, wax, nails…)

 

This Christmas, my usual recipients can look forward to simple gifts, with lots of thought in it – so please don’t spend too much on me. Ho Ho Ho!