noellelynn writes

June 30, 2014

Things Women Wish We Never Have To Do.

1. Wear heels

Have you ever met a woman who didn’t grumble about her heels, complain that her feet were bleeding into her shoes, can’t walk far cos of her heels, hates you forever cos you made her walk, hates heels but hates looking short. We love the idea of heels but hate them to the core. It’s a self-loathing prophecy.

2. Wear thongs

whitechicks

I blame Sisqo for this one. Here we were all happy in the 90s with our VPLs and then all of a sudden, it became uncool. Everyone needed to wear “thongs”. And then it went from regular thongs to g-strings to t-strings and now to the what-the-hell-is-this c-string. I refuse to date anyone who thinks a g-string is sexy. A. It just shows too much ass and frankly I don’t have that much. B. Half the time, I’m wondering if there’s anyone walking behind me that can view my unadulterated, blissful wedgie removal. How is pulling a thong from your ass sexy?? Give me a good pair of granny panties anytime. I’ll make it look hot, don’t worry.

3. Hair removal

Sure we all made fun of Paula Cole’s hairy armpits (why does this post have so many 90s references?) but I feel really bad now for having misjudged her. Oh, to live in a world where hair on a woman was completely normal and even better, encouraged. Men can stop grumbling about having to shave now, hipster beards are in – whereas hairy legs will never be given their own Buzzfeed listicles. From shaving, to waxing to light pulse permanent removal. Why do we do this to ourselves?? I would like to take this opportunity to publicly apologise to all the girls who’ve ever had to do my Brazilian wax – I did not mean to call you a “mother-effin bitch” or “hope you die”.

4. Wear make-up

Don’t get me wrong. I love make-up. I love it because I’m not a natural beauty (it’s ok, I’ve come to terms with it). But if make-up was never invented and we were all just cheek-pinchers, what a happy world that would be. There would be no “Celebrities Without Make-up!!” articles (which by the way, if you are shocked at, I don’t think you know how make-up works). I would have saved thousands of dollars from trying to find the perfect concealer colour.

5. Exercise

Ok, this one is just me. Every woman I know loves to exercise, so can you guys please knock if off cos you’re making me look like an unfit mess.

6. Make reservations

I write about this one all the time – just for extra emphasis of how much women hate to do this shit. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll happily make reservations for other women but when it comes to making a reservation for a date/activity involving a man, there is so much inner turmoil and resentment. Even worse is if we’re put in a situation where a reservation should have, and wasn’t made. “I’m sorry, you want me to wait how long?”

7. Not eat

Every woman loves to eat. Including all the sad ones who go to restaurants and have salads. (Please pray for them). Here’s the best part: Men love it when you eat too! So just chow down without guilt or remorse! This is also why I could never date a fitness freak.

June 25, 2014

On Women and Bullying.

It’s 2014 and you’d think we’d be done with all this feminist nonsense. And yet, a woman standing up for herself in any which way is deemed feminist, which is viewed as the antithesis of being feminine. And with that comes a bucketload of taboo EMOTIONS. Lord, not the female emotions! (Cue every woman’s favourite question: Is it that time of the month?)

When Men Call Women “Crazy”

I’ve had my fair share of calling women crazy (yes, there are many blogs, shut up, what are you, my record-keeper?). I recently read an article about “gaslighting” and labelling women as crazy is an amazing way to completely discredit their feelings. I guarantee that every woman has been considered an “over-reactor” or “over-thinker” at one point in their lives. I can also guarantee that they’ve been told to “calm down” or “relax” by a man. Which by the way, we all love. It completely calms us down and doesn’t make us want to rip your balls off in any which way.

You know why? Because you have just condescendingly told us that you are in control. Of both your “feelings” and the situation – and are therefore more rational – and subsequently more right. That is not always the case. Just because we have emotions does not mean that we are wrong. And what’s the opposite end of the spectrum? We’re cold. Yipee! We get to be over-emotional basket cases or cold fish! Which do I want to be today?!

Liaison fatale

Don’t get me wrong. There are some batshit crazy women out there -but I’ve come to realise that they are really a product of their background and experiences. For example, if a man decides he just wants to be in a sexual relationship with a woman but doesn’t tell her the truth and she starts to behave in an opposite manner, she becomes “crazy’. I’ve always thought Glenn Close’s character in Fatal Attraction was misrepresented (ok, up to the boiling rabbits and attempted murder). Why was she wrong to get upset at someone who used her and wanted to lose her?

To completely and conveniently paraphrase George Carlin: “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

So here’s what I have to say: It’s ok to have emotions, it’s ok to feel them and it’s ok to express them. Anybody (male or female) who tries to discredit them by asking you to “calm down” or calling you “crazy” is essentially bullying you to cave and back down. It is a form of manipulation. I think it’s very sad for a woman to not feel free to express herself for fear of being judged as “crazy”.

I also kinda feel bad for calling some men crazy. They were just being emotional – which is also considered taboo for them. I sometimes call it “Man-opause”. My bad, dudes. My bad.

When Women Get Bullied At Work

I am fortunate to be surrounded by many strong women – both personally and professionally. Most of them are in upper management levels and doing a great job of being leaders. And yet, the common gripe is being taken advantage of by a male boss – not sexually, but work-wise. Almost all of them have a male boss that either overloads work and takes credit, or flat out bullied in situations to get more work done for less or for free. As a freelancer with both male and female clients, I can confidently say, no female client has ever tried to ask me for freebies or bully me into giving them more than was pre-arranged.

Coincidence? You tell me.

Final disclaimer: Yes – women bully women. Men bully men.

April 25, 2014

The Monogamy Myth.

This post wasn’t particularly easy to write – mostly because I have no conclusion to draw and that’s my conclusion. Cheating is as open-ended a topic as any, with so many variables yet needs none. I would like to thank all the people who let me interview them, especially for their candour when I opened up the topic with “So, do you think monogamy is a myth?”.

I would like to start this off by saying, I’m not married. I have never been married. I have no idea what it’s like to be married for 10 years with 3 kids. I don’t personally know what that does to a person, a couple, a relationship. So here’s my notes, draw your own conclusion.

Emotional vs Physical Cheating

I’ve taken Dr. Phil’s (yes, that Dr. Phil) definition of cheating: Would you do it, if the other person was in the room? Absolutely fantastic, iron-clad definition. So get out of here with your “kissing isn’t cheating”, “texting isn’t cheating”… if you’re hiding it, it means there’s something to hide.

Emotional cheating would be having a non-physical relationship with someone else – whether this comes in the form of continued sharing at the office (apparently, “office-husbands/wives” are a common thing), texting repeatedly about your lives/partners, etc…

Physical cheating would be obviously be just that – in many variations, till P meets V.

Most of the people I interviewed, male or female, would forgive physical cheating, over emotional cheating.

Unless the women I interviewed were lying to me, none of them have cheated on their husbands/partners. More than 70% of the men I interviewed have cheated, and continue to do so. Gender vs genetic bias? Are men still just cavemen hunters, looking to spread their seed and populate the world? It’s in the nature of every male animal to propagate its species, why should the quasi-evolved man differ? One of my favourite quotes from an interviewee was, “Every man just needs some strange“. Could it really be that simple? Another interviewee classified his cheating more as “assisted masturbation” – no emotions are involved and that is in respect to his wife.

Some men felt validated in their decision to cheat if their partners gained weight or became someone she wasn’t when they met and fell in love (clingy, boring, talks only about the kids). Fear not, there are some men who adamantly refuse to cheat – but there are no commonalities, although cheating tends to favour more successful men.

The Ages and Stages of Cheating

Men who entered fully committed relationships in their early 20’s and had multiple kids before they turned 30, seem to have a strong propensity to have physical flings in their 40s. It’s quite understood that between 25-30 is when everyone has their crazy sexed-up “what was I thinking” years and if this is replaced by a routine familial life, it’ll come out eventually. Wild cannot be suppressed. People who get married in their 30s seem to have a more realistic grasp on relationships and a mutual readiness for family – and to hold on to it. Whether this will result to cheating in their 50s, who knows?

There is no commonality of the people I interviewed – some have been married for 10 years, some in early relationships. “My crotch fell into someone else’s crotch” is an almost instantly forgiven transgression, and “I’m in love with someone else” is instant dismissal. There seems to be little to salvage from emotional cheating – the groin can wander, but not the heart. Every married woman with kids I interviewed would forgive a physical cheat – regardless of the initial shock and hurt. It seems to be a form of reality, that they have accepted. Perhaps the reality is just that, after 10 years of being with the same person, the trials and utilitarianism of having children – the relationship evolves from romance to functional. And it’s during those years of function, the heart is more willing to forgive.

A woman almost always knows when her man is cheating (and it’s not that we’re that smart, it’s just that most men are really bad at hiding things). It seems smart women know when to play the fool to keep the peace for the sake of their family.

———-

My simple conclusion is that monogamy is not a myth, it does exist but it’s also a reality that it should not be expected.

Thank you once again to everyone who let me interview them – it was a good mix of successful bankers, professionals, stay at home moms, working moms, etc…

January 29, 2014

Friends In Relationships.

It’s impossible to not evolve when a single becomes a couple… some people don’t change at all, and then there are the friends who go through a magnificent metamorphosis the minute someone enters their life. All of a sudden, you’re like “What have you done with my friend?!”

1. The Gushing Goon

Good Christ, shut up already. We get it, he’s the perfect man. You’re making the Barneys we’re dating look even more pathetic than they are. Now, here’s a medal, go choke on it.

2. The PDA Pain

Ok, we’re here to eat, and we don’t mean each others faces. Nobody knows where to look and frankly, all this display of feelings is making everyone feel uncomfortable especially the couples who can’t stand to look at each other.

3. The “We” Wench

That one friend who “we’s” all over you. So enthralled by the notion of finally being part of a couple, every other sentence out of her pissy mouth has the word “we” in it. “We will be doing this on Saturday”. “We watched that movie already”. “We have a suicide pact”. Nothing makes us happier than hearing “We broke up”.

4. The Know-It-All Knob

This bitch probably hasn’t been in a relationship for a while for whatever reason, and now that she’s in a relationship, she’s got advice for everyone. Conversations with her are like attending a reading of “How I Am An Awesome Girlfriend And How I Control And Make My Man Fall Madly In Love With Me – Trust Me, I’ve Been In This Relationship For 3 Months”.

5. The Share-My-Joy Shit

Great. You’re in a relationship. We are very happy for you. And now, you want us all to drink the Relationship Kool-Aid by setting us up with the most random of your beloved’s friends. “Let’s all get married together!” “Couples dinners!” “Oh, you’re not a couple, tough, no dinner for you!”.

6. The Ditching Dick

Possibly the worst crime on the list. The friend that deserts her friends because she is so completely wrapped up in the rapture of love and infatuation, never to be seen again. Until it’s over. We all get mesmerised, blinded and turned around sometimes, that’s understandable and forgivable… just don’t ditch the people who were there for you before the love of your life waltzed in.

*** I may have been one or two of these types before. If you know which ones, keep it to yourself.

November 8, 2013