noellelynn writes

I am sitting on the fence of Expectations and frankly, my ass is getting a little sore. I’ve spoken to a few friends and am still an undecided voter. Are expectations are necessary part of life to establish standards and boundaries, or just the Devil that causes misunderstandings and misalignments? Initially, I thought that age going up pushes expectations down, but I’ve realized it’s more a social divide. So, I’ve split this thorny subject into 2 camps – single people, and everyone else. (*Disclaimer below)

SINGLES DATING EXPECTATIONS

1. If a single girl gives you her number, she expects communication within 24 hours. From that point of communication, she expects to be asked out within 3 days. If this does not happen, you are dead to her.
2. She expects you to either choose the activity for the date or give suggestions. From your options, she can gauge many things about you: how interested you are, if you’re a cheap scrub, creative, etc… and for the love of God, please make a reservation.
3. She expects you to pay. If she doesn’t, she’s most likely having self-esteem issues and looks at splitting the bill as power or validation.
4. If the chemistry was right and there’s going to be a second date, she expects to hear from you within 24 hours, else maybe you died on the way home and in that case, sorry for your loss.

SINGLES SEX-PECTATIONS

1. Do not fall asleep until/unless she’s fallen asleep. She does not expect to listen to your whale-like snoring while she’s wondering what the hell to do with herself.
2. At the very least, post-coitus, she expects your lazy ass to wake up and put her in a cab. At the very least.
3. She expects to hear from you within 12 hours. No-one is asking for a marriage proposal, even a hello will suffice. After where your hands have been, your thumbs can’t work out a “Hey there”?

SINGLES SELF-PECTATIONS

1. “Lower your expectations” –– Non-single friends of single girls are constantly putting them in their place (oh, where would be be without these special people?) by telling them to constantly lower their expectations (in other words, “aim lower and maybe you won’t die alone hugging 10 cat skeletons”). Frankly, I’ve haven’t met an over-30 year old single girl who has ridiculously high expectations (Hope Diamond, holidays homes, watches Dirty Dancing every weekend together) – they are usually quite simple. It doesn’t get any lower than “simple”.
2. “Go out with him but don’t have any expectations” –– We are basically given advice to have absolutely no boundaries, standards, hopes or goals. Why on earth would I waste my time going out with someone and not have any expectations? I might as well stay home, watching re-runs of Sex & The City, being thankful I’m not the Samantha (this may, or may not, have happened recently). Expectations are guides that let you know if someone else is on the same path and wavelength as you. If they’re not, call it quits. If they are, aren’t you glad you had standards?

WIVES-PECTATIONS

1. Wives seem to be expected to be spending all their free time with their husbands. I know of a few married women who enjoy clubbing/partying and generally do so, without their husbands. Nothing illicit is going on – it’s just the dynamic of their relationship. They get flak for this from the majority of other married women. It’s considered strange that they go out at night without their husbands. It’s 2013 – they’re not being hunted by roaming harem builders.
2. Adding on to that, they’re not expected to go out at night, drink and dance while the whole time, their tiny, helpless children are sleeping peacefully in their beds. Quelle horreur! What would you have been doing with your children at midnight? Crafting home-made strawberry daiquiris? Put them to bed, put on your heels and motor!
3. Wives and mothers, in particular, are not expected to continue having lofty career ambitions. They are not expected to have identities or lives of their own.
4. New mothers are expected to breastfeed. (Breast is best, we all know, go knock on someone else’s door)

Moral of this entire post: The only expectations that matter are the ones you set for yourself. Everything else will fall into place… when you least expect it.

*Generic disclaimer: Yes, yes, there are exceptions to all these norms. You are special. You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

I survived the holiday season with minimal stupid questions asked to me. I’d like to think my warning Facebook post helped repel the typical asinine small talk I, as a single person, get. I did get a “Hi! Haven’t seen you in so long….. …… Are you married yet?” from someone in a very publicly bad marriage, so there was that.

So here’s a list of 5 things you shouldn’t say to anyone unless you’re deliberately trying to hurt their feelings and/or look like a jackass.

1. Talk about weight

Everyone owns a mirror. They don’t need you to blurt out “You’ve put on weight!” in front of a crowd, leaving you having to either look away in shame or collapse to the floor, crying “I eat my feelings“. And yet, there are those people that are so incapable of small talk and feel this is nothing more than a harmless opinion that desperately needs to be voiced out. The worst part of these kind of comments is that trying to counter them makes you look like an overly defensive fat cow.

Telling someone they’ve lost weight is only a bad thing to say when you mean it in a negative way. For example, “you’ve lost so much weight, you don’t look good”. Yes, people actually say this.

Respond with: “I’ve got some kind of rare blood disease that causes the weight to up/down”. For all they know, this could very well be true and hopefully teach them to keep their damn mouths shut.

 

2. Ask about relationships

Every single girl’s nightmare. Single men don’t seem to be so afflicted or concerned by this question. Anyone that asks this question may think it’s harmless but they need to realise it’s almost getting us to admit that we’re flawed and incapable of finding love. It has been my observation though, that the only people who ask this question are usually unhappy  in, or questioning, their own relationships. Let’s look at it this way, if you were that close or important, you’d already be in the know, so enough of the “Seeing anyone special?” “Have you got a boyfriend?” “When will you be getting married?” “What’s wrong with you that no-one wants to complete you and be the yin to your yang you big fat loser?”

Respond with: “No”. Just one word. If they try to pursue a conversation, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Sorry, no sharp witty response from me on this one because lord knows, I am sick and tired of trying to be smart to stupid people.

 

3. Ask about babies

Every married person’s nightmare. “When are you going have a baby?” “When are you going to have your second?” “When are you going to turn into Michelle Duggar and have your own tv show?” This is horribly insensitive question to ask because you could have no idea on the kind of reproduction challenges a couple has and all you did is rip into their hearts with your questions that’s basically asking them about the opening sequence of “Look Who’s Talking”.

Respond with: “Well we had sex last night, so fingers crossed!”

 

4. Price

There are the women out there that feel it’s completely ok to ask someone you’ve just met “That’s a nice dress! How much was it?” It’s a great question to completely blindside someone classy who has usually removed the price tag from her outfit. I have on occasion, asked this question to friends I’m close to and I think that’s ok – if it’s handled discreetly and prefixed with “I hope you don’t mind if I ask…”. I know of women who inspect closets and friends from head to toe to competitively determine value.

Respond with: “It was a gift”. End it at that. While we’re at it, don’t ask someone how much money they earn either, that’s just low.

 

5. Unsolicited opinions

My biggest pet peeve. People opening their damn mouths, pointing out your flaws and how to right the wrongs when they haven’t been asked. These people have got themselves so high on a pedestal that you should feel honored they noticed you all the way down in the bottom of the barrel. “Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope”. I will never understand how people can be so judgmental and passionate about their presumptions but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with low self-esteem and possibly small boobs.

Respond with: Sorry, I got nothing. I would love to be the kind of person who could calmly assert “Let me stop you right here. I’m ok with my life, so please don’t feel the need to judge it to me or anyone else”. Unfortunately, I’m somewhat of a pushover (read: pussy) and hate confrontations (read: pussy). It’s one part of my two-parter resolution, “Fuck bitches. Get money”.

 

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Lord knows I’ve written enough about crazy girls (here and here). I love crazy girls. Sometimes though, they drive themselves crazy trying to break the original Da Vinci code of it all – the Manspeak. So, when the site HeTexted was introduced to me, it all made perfect sense. The universal question women seem to be asking themselves (and each other) the most now is “What the hell does he mean??”.

I’m an advocate (in theory, at least) of saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. Be honest to yourself about your intentions and what you want, and you will receive it. However, as people get older, their defenses come up – it’s a lot easier to bounce back from heartbreak at 20, than at 33. So everyone is either super careful, or uber careless. Along the way, some kind of two-thumbed Morse code was developed for communication between men and women. Female code is fairly easy to decipher; they’re rarely ambivalent, they’re usually happy or pissed. For example:

“:)” = I want to have your babiesssssss!!
“;)” = I want to practice having your babiesssss!
“I’m fine.” = Fuck off and die.
“Ha.” = Fuck off and die.

Men, on the other thumb, have the occasionally uncomfortable task of trying to solicit sex and/or break-up, while trying to ensure they don’t end up with a braised pet of some sort.

So, my dear, dear ladies… there are very few exceptions to these rules and the chances that you’re it, are slim. Help me, help you.

 

1. “I just came out of a relationship” = “I just want to have sex” / “I don’t want a relationship with you”

Unless that relationship included kids, so? It’s a big fat excuse. Women will instantly want to try to fix this man – to be the soothing balm for their wounds. Snap out of it and realize that while he’s toying with you and allegedly getting over someone else, he’s either a liar, greedy or indecisive. None of those are good qualities. Move on!

 

2. “I’m not ready for a relationship” = “I just want to have sex” / “I don’t want a relationship with you”

Are we getting it yet? Men have mostly 2 intentions for women – and if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it just wants to fuck.

 

3. “I’m focusing on work” = “I don’t like you enough to make time for you”

Is he finding a cure for cancer? There are men out there who have successful jobs and TWO families, so don’t turn this bullshit excuse into a reason.

 

4. “Let’s just hang-out” = “Let’s occasionally have sex”

***credit for this translation goes to “a sexy, obviously experienced, worldly, sexy guy friend”.

 

5. “I have a girlfriend. You’re so pretty” = “I just want to discreetly have sex with no romantic entanglements”

The “I have a girlfriend” statement that comes with a compliment is usually a two-door directive: close your heart, open your….

 

6. “Things aren’t going well with my girlfriend” = “I just want to have sex”

See above: duck fuck.

 

7. “We’re just in different places right now” = “I can’t think of a more specific-vague way of telling you I don’t really like you”

He doesn’t even like you enough to think of better bullshit!

 

8. “I’m going to be traveling a lot” = “I can’t be bothered to keep this charade going”

FYI, there’s even wi-fi at Mount Everest now.

 

9. “Let’s have dinner sometime” = “Never gonna happen”

If it’s noncommittal, he’s not committed.

 

10. “Never say never” = “Never “

See above.

 

11. “If you’re out, maybe we can grab drinks” = “I don’t have better plans”

If + maybe = he doesn’t really care either way.

 

12. “You deserve better than me” = “You need to chill the fuck out”

He is overwhelmed and/or has low self-esteem. You cannot fix someone else’s esteem issues. Move on.

 

Ladies, read the synopsis, reviews and signs before buying the book. And if you’ve already bought the book and you don’t understand it, don’t buy a dictionary, buy another fucking book!

 

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Recently, a male friend mentioned, “If I had boobs, I’d show them off all the time”. My instant thought, as always when women whine about their small breasts and rave over mine is, “You’d wanna exchange them back after a week”.

I have a love-hate relationship with my breasts. The love part has only come to play in recent years; for most of my life I’ve hated them.They’re cumbersome and the slightest bit of cleavage seems to negate the presence of my brain. They’re obviously not massive double-D knockers, but they’re a C/D cup and on my frame, obviously pretty big. I was literally flat-chested till about 16 or 17 and then all of sudden, whoo, there they were. I’ve always been envious of women with a petite A/B cup and I know that sounds crazy to most people. The only ones who will understand are those who have the same love-hate relationship with their breasts and choose not to play it up as an accessory. Here’s why:

The Accidental Slutty Look

When small breasted women wear sports bras, it works the way it’s supposed to. When I use a sports bra, it ends becoming a push-up bra, leaving me in downward dog pose, with my boobs up to my chin. I’m also constantly adjusting the bottom of the bra because it literally slips under my breasts. I have to always be aware that even a regular bra and tank-top makes me look like I’m ready to hit the club on a Friday night. Racerbacks are also a nightmare. Even a turtleneck seems to emphasize it, so generally necklines aren’t the issue. Not everyone wants or, or should want to, look slutty all the time.

Belly Lie

I’ve always been envious of women who can sleep flat on their stomach, lie propped up on their belly at picnics without their bosom falling out.

Necklaces

I do not typically wear necklaces. I buy them occasionally on a whim, forgetting that I will never use them. Unless it’s 1995 and they’re chokers, they will always fall into, what I call, Boob Valley and ends up looking smooshed in the cleavage.

Bra Woes

I had a whole other blog post on the troubles of buying the perfect bra. As an in-between cup size, I’m basically the Goldilocks of bras, looking for one that’s just right. And the search for the perfect strapless bra continues. I once came home from an evening out and found the entire strapless bra under my breasts. Strapless bras on my breasts basically look like someone about to plummet to their death, clinging on for dear life. So, for the most part, I usually just go bra-less for nights out. Which leads me to the next problem…

Booby Sweat

Yes, this is ridiculously unglamorous but very realistic. Going bra-less is always risky (thankfully my breasts seem to be winning the fight against gravity for now) and the main drawback in a humid climate is the boob sweat that happens under the breasts. I once spent an entire house party in the kitchen, mopping it up. Not my finest hour but at least I looked presentable for photos. Nobody wants to see any form of sweat marks on clothing, and that goes for men too. Wear an inner t-shirt if you’re a sweat machine. Seriously.

Lady Lumps

As you get older and health realities set in, breast exams should be done as often as possible. Mammograms aren’t typically done until you’re 40 or are high-risk. It’s harder to detect lumps in bigger breasts, so get a professional to do it; a man squeezing your breasts during a make-out session isn’t the same.

 

My love for my breasts started to develop as I considered how I would feel if I had to give them up for medical reasons. All of a sudden I got fiercely protective of them, these glands that have given me such trouble and discomfort my entire adult life. Anyone who knows me, will know I very rarely play they up or deliberately show cleavage, I’m of the “a little goes a long way” philosophy. So, while I got them, I’m not quite going to flaunt them, but I ain’t gonna hide ’em either.