noellelynn writes

What’s more difficult than finding the perfect man? Finding the perfect girlfriend. The days of Charlotte, Carrie, Miranda and Samantha are over. Girlfriends now come in more packages than ever and as your old girlfriends drop out of the party scene and make babies, one has no choice but to diversify and make new friends. Making new girlfriends is possibly one of the hardest things to do – we’re not talking about acquaintances here. We’re talking about quality girlfriends and I don’t know why but age seems to have a part to play in the difficulty as maybe everyone is more set in their ways. It becomes a “my way, or highway” situation. So, over the years, I’ve tried my best to make new friends and here are the archetypes I’ve come across.

The Judge

This is the girl who will judge the hell out of you. As a single person, I suppose I lead a rather “fun-loving” life which I’m (for the most of) proud of and then along comes Judgy McJudgerson. She’s the person who will encourage you to share your single-girl stories and once you do, she will hit you with her gavel and comments like “You shouldn’t have…” “Oh my god, why did you do that?” “You are really making a mess of things”. Take it down a notch, Judge Judy, I’m just single, not serial-killing.

The Toxin

I used to tolerate toxic people in my life. I used to think that they cared about me enough to point out every single fault of mine. It’s a cover. They are just toxic people trying to compensate for their faults by highlighting yours. You can recognize this trait when it’s unsolicited (it’s always unsolicited) and always seems to pour out upon the telling of a seemingly innocent story. Once again, a story is invited (“Tell me about you and Mr X”) and once I foolishly share, here comes the toxins! “You need to be more honest in life”, “You’re not being a good friend”. Now a toxic person will defend herself by saying “You can’t handle the truth”. The truth is, I don’t want to handle you. Detox.

The Competitor

Ahh, the classic one-upper. This wench will try to one-up you in any possible situation. She will out-dress, (even though you both agreed to dress casually), out-flirt and out-drink you under the table. She wants all the attention and will do almost anything to get it. The tribe has spoken, the Competitor needs to be voted off the island.

The Philosopher

Yoga-philosophising, healthy food-eating, bible-thumping. Enough said.

The Whore

Closely related to The Competitor, The Whore will stop at nothing to achieve her primary goal for the night: a good dicking. The Whore will ride in on the wind beneath your wing(woman)s, and once she has her target, will abandon you quicker than you can say “Durex”. At some point of the evening, you will start to distance yourself from her, practically becoming a wallflower just to disassociate. The Whore isn’t typically toxic but definitely entertaining to watch.

The Virgin

What’s worse than The Whore? The Virgin. Boring, doesn’t cut loose, shy. What’s worse than The Virgin? The Whore pretending to be The Virgin. The one who acts like she’s scared of boys and needs protection. You’re not 13, grow up and get a proper game.

The Sage

Your local unsolicited advice dispensary. She’s the “should” girl. She knows more than, has experienced more than you and knows exactly how you should live your life (interestingly enough, she wants you to end up like her!). More often than not, she is married (most likely unhappily), has kids (is overwhelmed) but is looking to validate her life choices by spawning an army of women just like her. She bought into the “husband + kids = happy ever after” theory and since she can’t give it away, wants you to buy in.

There you have it. Then again, you also have those special girls, the sister from another mister, that are your soul-mates, and I’ll dig through the bargain bin of all those archetypes to find the gems.

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I am aware this post might piss a lot of people off. So, let’s get this started.

I will preface this post with an ego-inflated, yet true statement: I am an extremely competent person. Thanks to excellent training from my mother and willingness to self-learn, I am very good at what I do. And what I am not good at doing, I learn.

Over the decades, these skills have not gone unnoticed. I have been called on for more favors than I can try to collect in a lifetime. So, I am here to say this to anyone and everyone: I am done. I have helped everyone I legitimately wanted to help, and those I really didn’t want to but did so anyway, because I’m occasionally too damn a nice person to say “no”. Either pay someone to do that shit or figure out how to do it yourself. I had to. And here’s the story.

My sister (equally as competent and also called upon to do favors all the time) and I had our first taste of event organizing was our parents 25th anniversary. I must have been about 22 at the time. Together, we did the invites, secret video (using Powerpoint and a VCR), filmed congratulations, and basically ran the event. Oh, people noticed. The young Pereira sisters did the whole event?? And then came the requests. Montage videos, DJing, hosting, organizing, invite designing, mass readings, reception hosting, ushering. All these involved meetings, our time. But we did it. Ok, I’m switching this back to me. I did it. I helped people. Why? Because it was their special day, their wedding, their anniversary, their birthday.

And yet, when it comes to our events, few people step up to offer their help. Why? Because they don’t think about it? Or because we know we can manage it? And it is because of this complete inconsideration, I am done.

So, no, I don’t want to:

• Design your wedding/birthday invite
• Do any readings at your wedding
• Create your event video montage
• DJ at your event or do your playlist
• Organize your event (or help you plan it)
• Cook for your event
• Be at your reception desk/usher
• Design your logo (or anything else design related) for your business

I know this makes me sound like an utter bitch but unless you’ve been in my position, you would not understand. In fact, you’re probably the kind of person that asks people for favors all the time. If I help you, and you’re a close friend of mine, you’d know I do it with all my heart and don’t want anything in kind. However, if you’re reading this and suspect it’s about you, it’s probably about you. If the shoe fits, and all that. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

So before you think of me as a bitch, as yourself this:

1. Have you asked any of these favors from me before WITHOUT me offering my help?
2. Have you offered me help in return for anything I’ve done?
3. Have you spoken to me since I did any of these favors for you?
4. Have you at least made an attempt to be in my life, take me out for drinks, since I helped you?

And yes, there are people I have spent my time and effort on to never hear from them again.

If I want to help you, I will offer. It’s really that simple.

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I have been dating for a long time time now, longer than I’d care to admit. And yet, there are shockingly few points on this list. I have come to several possibilities:

1. I know shit about dating.
2. The rules are, there are no rules.
3. Every person and every situation is different.

So here are my thoughts on the hard and fast rules of dating. Girls love having rules. And love having them broken even more.

1. Girls making the first move

In my 20s, I barely knew any girls who made the first move. In the recent years, I’ve seen more of my friends boldly approach guys at bars, offer to buy them drinks and strike up conversations. In the meantime, I stand back and stare in awe at the massive balls on them. I’m an old-fashioned girl. I strongly believe that once a girl approaches a guy, the male-female balance gets thrown off. 4 out of the 4 guys I asked about this have said that they do not like girls to approach them. They said they would feel slightly threatened and turned-off. And even if the girl is drop-dead gorgeous, they’d wonder “What’s wrong with this girl that she has to approach a guy?”.

Moral of this point: Ladies, protect the delicate baby male ego and save yourself the walk. Hone your ‘come hither’ skills and if he doesn’t come hither, don’t move thither.

2. The First Date

I don’t know any women that prefer just to have drinks/coffee/bullshit-excuse-for-first-date instead of a dinner. I enjoy having a dinner date. I enjoy dressing up and looking pretty for a first date. I enjoy this ritual. It’s charming. However, I have now been informed that some (most?) men are moving towards the alarming trend of having ‘just drinks’ for a first date. They feel this relieves the pressure of full sit-down dinner and if there’s no chemistry, it’s easier to write it off. If there is chemistry, the drinks could easily develop into dinner. They also feel that a dinner date is useless to genuinely get to know someone, as everyone is just fronting and can potentially be awkward. One male point of view is that it depends on the level of interaction pre-first-date that determines the actual first date. I get their point but it just feels really cheap to me. Not on a money level, but in terms of time and effort. I think if you don’t feel the person is worth making the effort for a sit-down dinner, don’t bother. Also, if you don’t want to have a dinner date, why fall back on the boring “drinks” date? Do something different that allows someone’s personality to come out, if that’s what you’re truly interested in. At the end of the day, the girl is most likely going to put some effort into looking good for you, why not put some effort into the type of date?

Moral of this point: Ladies, start a drinking habit. This trend is not going away, so eat before you leave the house.

3. He’s Just Not That Into You

Oh, please shoot me for using this phrase. And yet, it’s the simplest, most direct way of explaining any seemingly complicated relationship. Women will constantly make up the most ridiculous possibilities for trying to explain the constantly erratic male behavior (the Katy Perry “Hot & Cold” Syndrome – hot, cold, yes, no, in, out, up, down. Dudes need to start taking evening primrose oil):

• Work: He’s really getting into his work/He’s got problems at work, so it affects his personal life
• Past: He’s been hurt before/He just got out of a relationship/He doesn’t want to be in a relationship for a while
• Emotions: He has a hard time expressing his feelings/He’s reacting off my behavior/I’m closed off so he’s closing off as well

Moral of this point: Gentlemen, if you want us ladies to accept the beautiful simplicity of “he’s just not that into you”, you need to live up to this as well. Stop complicating the situation with your girly emotions and behavior. The only reason women started making excuses for you is because you started making excuses for yourselves. It’s a Catch-22, so sort yourselves out so we can. However, a male point of view: Women need to listen to what men are directly telling them and not complicate the situation with their own logic and search for the deeper meaning. I can’t disagree with this either. Women will over-think and over-complicate any situation and once they pull their girlfriends in to analyze and deconstruct every conversation and text message, the whole pot bubbles and overflows. And… scene.

4. Staying Over

So, you’ve made it past three dates and have consummated this wonderful burgeoning relationship. Staying over is always a judgement call. As a woman, I recommend always leaving before the sun comes up unless there are explicit plans for breakfast/brunch etc. The reason is simple. No woman should do the walk of shame at 9 in the morning, in the slutty dress she wore from the night before. It could have been the best night of your life but the walk of shame will emotionally destroy you. Half of the men I polled on this topic feel that if this girl is not an exclusive girlfriend, she needs to leave before the morning. The other half feel that is based on how the relationship is developing and will ask the girl to stay over if they want to. I have heard stories from guys about girls that refuse to leave, or simply don’t take the hint and the guys have to fabricate plans in order to get her out and this is by 4 in the afternoon already.

Moral of this point: Ladies, unless explicitly and directly asked to stay over, pick up your shit, get out of there and always act like a lady.

So that’s all the rules I could think of. A measly 4. Honestly, I think it’s because every situation is indeed different so will have to be adapted to. Rules are indeed made to be broken. The only constancies I can think of are these:

• Ladies: Keep your girlfriends out of it. Just have one girlfriend that you can talk to about affairs and put the others on limited profile. You don’t need everyone’s opinion. All you need is yours and one consultant that you can trust. Pick the most emotionally stable girlfriend and leave the others out of it. Girlfriends will only serve to whip everything in an emotional frenzy and cloud your personal situation with their own varied and questionable experiences. The sad truth is that men are really as simple as they make themselves out to be. If the text message reads “I’m busy tonight” – stop asking the whole panel of The View “what does it mean??”.

• Men: I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. It’s nice to have attention and string women along but you’re only creating a generation of psychos that will come back and haunt you.

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I will admit that I am not the most normal girl out there. Like the majority, I am highly contradictory in nature, I have my girly moments, suffer from raging PMS and will pout until I’m asked “what’s wrong?”. That being said, I am fairly certain (unless proven otherwise, and I want documented evidence) that I am not a psycho chick. (Yes, this post is in follow up to the earlier “Casual Sex, Crazy Bitches“.)

Oh, we all know at least one of these psycho chicks. By the way, some of these do apply to loony men too. We know you’re out there.

The Caller

This is the girl that never stops calling. She knows you’re busy. She knows you have other plans. She knows you’re out with the boys. But she still keeps calling. She’s like Ghost Face from the Scream movies. Hang up, and she’ll still keep calling you back. The Caller usually has trust issues and you need to decide if it can be, or is worth, straightening out. Either way, prepare for a massive phone bill.

The Pop-Up

This is the girl you didn’t make plans with but just turns up. Like that unexpected “you’ve won an iPhone” pop-up on your browser! Except you’ve won absolutely nothing but a stalker. She seems to always knows where you are and will mysteriously appear, with the illusion of having a good time. If she’s alone, it’s actually not that bad. If she’s with a bunch of people, this is more worrying. It means she took the time to get friends together for a group-stalk. She’s putting effort into tracking your ass down. In this scenario, stop revealing your location on Facebook, Foursquare and public Facebook events.

The Friday Night Texter

Girls seem to get ridiculously emotional over weekend nights – although there is a burgeoning trend for guys doing this too. I’m sure every guy has experienced this. It’s been weeks since you communicated and there it is. That little buzz buzz. That profession of love. That “I need you”. Now, some guys fall for this while trying to capitalize on a sexual opportunity but beware! There’s deep-seated emotional drama below so copulate at your own peril and enjoy the praying mantis situation in the morning.

The Over-Stayer

This is the girl that never seems to want to leave you. She doesn’t appear to have any plans or life of her own. She spends the night with you and stays till you need to make fake plans the next afternoon just to get her ass out of there. By the way, the chances of her leaving wearing a t-shirt you own is high. She wants to have something with a return policy. I suggest keeping a supply of cheap t-shirts you are willing to part with.

The Green Hornet’s Nest

The classic psycho-girl move: induce jealousy. She’s obviously madly in love with you – and will call upon “the pop-up” move, and jealousy. So she will pretend to have a grand ol’ time without you, usually with an unsuspecting male companion (some of you aren’t too bright) in an effort to catch your attention and show you what you’re missing or that she’s moved on. If her eyes are more on you than her companion, don’t fall for it! She’s still the same psycho chick you got rid off a few months ago – just with a better outfit. Once that’s stripped, she’s behind your shower curtain with a knife.

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Moral of the post:

Men, your penis is not a reliable thought-generating organ. Stick to your brain and logic on this one and stay the hell away from these psycho chicks. They will cling to you, so you have to man up and pry their cold claws from your skin.

Ladies, get your shit together. If it’s not working out, move on. You’re only embarrassing yourself in the most unrecoverable and tragic way possible. And you’re dragging the rest of us non-psycho girls down with you. Take a hint, take a break, take a pill, take a lover – do what you have to do to sort your own life out.

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