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Casual Sex, Crazy Bitches.

 

It’s no big secret that I watch a lot of TV. I was watching a re-run of Cameron Crowe’s “Vanilla Sky” recently when this thought hit me. One of the fundamental differences between men and women has always been their responses post-sex. Men are infamously touted as being void of emotion and women are accused of secreting oxytocin, a hormone that causes them to emotionally attach after sex. This behavior has existed for a long time and will continue to exist as long as we need to procreate and over-populate the Earth. Now, we’re not talking about relationship, baby-making, put Brian McKnight music on, kind of sex. We’re talking about grown (seemingly) adults engaging in casual sex. Strictly casual.

Of course everything I’m saying are sweeping generalizations but generalizations exist for a reason.

So what happens? Everyone starts lying. Men pretend to care and women pretend they don’t. It’s inevitable that at one point, the lies meet in the middle and everything gets exposed and falls apart. But here’s where the gender difference comes to play again. The men, with the auto-detachment ability, get to walk away with no cares in the world (much like a hero walking away from an explosion in a movie). The women, on the other, became raging, psycho, obsessed lunatics. Now, I feel sorry for the man. He can’t tell from the beginning whether a girl could become crazy even after just one sexual tryst – in fact, majority of these crazy girls are doing their utmost to convince them otherwise – that they in fact, love sex with no strings attached. They harbor the great hope that the sex becomes affection, which could in turn, become love. Not to say it couldn’t, but c’mon girls, get a grip. As for you men, Hollywood has been trying to warn you that casual sex is never casual and in fact, things can go very wrong for you and your pets.

Here are 3 great cautionary tales that you guys really need to start paying attention to!

 

Vanilla Sky

Tom Cruise plays the quintessential playboy, thinking he’s got it made with his “fuck buddy” (God, can we get rid of that phrase already?) Cameron Diaz. She’s up for anything, sensual and wants no strings attached. Sounds great, doesn’t it? Now, here comes the warning signs: she wants to start spending more time with him, keeps asking him when he’s going to call, turns up uninvited for events and all the time, puts her sexuality up front. So he’s torn between his hard place and his brain and of course, picks the sex… and what happens? She runs the car off the road, killing herself and permanently disfiguring him. But not before saying “Don’t you know when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not?” It was a great line that completely released her inner voice that she had been stifling by trying appear like everything was copacetic with their casual relationship. It also perhaps revealed more about the female psyche than most are prepared to admit.

Play Misty For Me

I’m a big Clint Eastwood fan, I think he’s super hot. This story is a classic caution against one-night stands. Eastwood, a radio DJ, meets Jessica Walter (yes, Lucille Bluth) at a bar and with the sparks flying, goes back to her place where she reveals she’s a fan of his radio show, he’s flattered, they get it on. The end. Ha! Warning signs again: She shows up the next day at HIS apartment with groceries to cook dinner (she followed his ass home) and still this idiot continues to have sex with her. Frankly at this point, Eastwood is just asking for trouble. And the stalking continues. She turns up at his place constantly, naked (see, the lure of sex is always upfront), with teddy bears and once he goes apeshit on her, she attempts suicide. Then everything goes rapidly downhill to Psycho Town and you get the point. The signs were all there. Hell, she followed him home! That’s damn creepy enough, so I think he deserved what he got playing with fire like that.

 

Fatal Attraction

Ahh, the mother of all casual sex gone wrong. You can’t do a psycho bitch post without Glenn Close. Started out simple enough – a one-night stand affair with a willing, attractive female. One night became two nights and that was it – she had her claws stuck in him and wants to go to the opera. Now he’s trying to shake her off (triggers attempted suicide), trying to keep it from his wife and what’s next, she’s pregnant! Man, anything that could go wrong for Michael Douglas certainly did. And Glenn Close delivered one of the best, most truthful lines of the movie, “Why? Because I won’t allow you to treat me like some slut you can just bang a couple times and throw in the garbage?“. It perfectly summarised what his intentions for her were. That was literally all he wanted and he never stopped to consider what her intentions might be. He was portrayed as the stereotypical man – the kind that becomes incapable of coherent thought once the option of sex is on the table. Granted he didn’t deserve to have his daughter kidnapped or their rabbit boiled, but he was selfish. And that had to reap consequences.

 

 

The moral of this post is:

Men: 90% of the women who tell you they can keep things casual, cannot. (That percentage is completely arbitrary.) If you are lucky enough, you will get the 10% that are actually cool with casual sex and usually that means they’re not that into you to begin with. Pay attention to the warning signs: crazy eyes, insistence of sexual abandon followed by emotional conversations, mysteriously turning up wherever you are (and promising sex), aversion to rabbits… Don’t take “casual” for granted and give a minimum of 5 minutes to actually talk to her – find out her modus operandi, relationship history and read her body language (overly defensive, overcompensating).That being said, there’s no foolproof way to knowing if you picked crazy from the pile. If it starts to get nuts, just put your razor blades and pets in storage.

Women: Get your shit together. Mean what you say, and say what you mean. If you want to be in a relationship, don’t sell yourself short and try to “trap” a dude with casual sex. All that does is turn you into a loony nutball that no-one wants to be around with anyway. You will become the ugliest version of yourself, with a Google-abuse problem. And also possibly homicidal.

Now, are there any movies out there where the men go nuts after casual sex?

(The writer will neither deny nor confirm her oxytocin production) 

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2011 Things.

I usually blog about the year ahead – resolutions, wishes, dreams and other girly shit like that – but this time, I thought I’d take a look back at the year past and hope that I learnt something useful*. (*Useful to me, probably completely useless to everyone else)

1. Never get your hair cut on a whim. 

In my unrelenting belief that minuscule things like a hair cut can change your life, I went to my hairdresser and told her words I will never repeat again, “I just want something different”. It’s all fine and dandy when you’re bouncing out of the salon, hair professionally teased and taking cute pictures like the one above. The first time you wash your hair AFTER the salon is the real test. I almost had a nervous breakdown trying to replicate the look and feeling of whimsy I had a mere day before. Alas, it was never to be. I tolerated it for 3 months, mostly tied it up, got it straightened and all is right in my hair world. Moral of the story: Don’t self-inflict bad hair days on yourself, especially when it’s already a given.

 

2. I have a great laugh.

Many years ago, a good friend and I were out and about, cackling away when a random guy said to us, “You girls look so pretty until you laugh”. (What a douche!) Ever since then, I had become very self conscious of my laugh. Ok, I’ll be honest, it’s not so much a “laugh” as it is a cuckoo, outburst of a cackle. There is nothing remotely ladylike about it but it is definitely real. In 2011, I had the luxury of meeting some lovely new non-douchey friends who told me they loved my laugh, that it was infectious and one even graciously kissed me right after I let one out. Brings the laugh confidence back to a girl and now, I’ve embraced it. Ok, almost embraced it.

 

3. Evan Shane

2011, I gained a wonderful godson from a dear friend. He’s got a wonderful disposition, can’t stay in one place for too long and frowns like a dude with serious problems. What’s not to like about that! In case you think I look wonderfully maternal in that photo, you should know I was shitfaced from Prosecco at the time. What a role model!

 

4. Work

That’s pretty much what working in 2011 has looked like for me. Ok, except with pajamas. It’s been a great year of freelancing, working from home – and I’ve enjoyed and appreciated every moment of it. I’ve had the luxury of working with great clients and friends who like my work and refer me to other great people. Every time I tell myself to wind down the freelancing and get back into a studio, I meet more good clients and things keep going from there. 2011 was understanding the value of time for myself and not having to justify it to anyone else.

 

 

Have a great 2012 everyone – may it be less shitty than the year before!

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Excuse me, but your biological clock is showing.

Oh, the inevitable has happened even to the most cynical and non-maternal of people. I blame my sister for this – she had her first child about 5 years ago and given how close I am to my sister, I am naturally, close to her kids. Five years of spending time with adorable kids (blood related) will break you down.

Let’s set the back story. I don’t like kids. I’ve never coo-ed at Anne Geddes babies. I don’t make small talk to kids in the elevator. Generally, they’re very small people, there for me to ignore. To me, they add no value to my life or my immediate moments so why even go there? Past the age of 25, I stopped naming my future kids and even in long-term relationships, the topic of “kids” is a big no-no for me. I make it very clear from the get-go that I’m not interested in having kids – they’re a bucketload of permanent responsibility and the idea of breastfeeding is absolutely gross to me. Milk comes out from there! Why!

However, and most unfortunately, nature finds a way. (Yes, I’m quoting Jurassic Park on this one). From the second half of 2011, my hormones have undergone some shifts and changes (all without consulting me, might I add) and all of a sudden there I am. Holding babies. Speaking to them in the elevators. “What a pretty dress! How old are you?”. My brain then tries to hold the words back, chastising my uterus, “What are you doing! Control yourself!”.

Research shows that a woman in her early-30s have only 12% of viable eggs left – eggs I have been steadily killing with copious amounts of alcohol every weekend. My eggs and I are literally in a “use it or lose it” Mexican standoff. The “biological clock” while metaphorical, feels strangely physical. It literally feels like phantom uterus – a tugging at your womb that can’t be just cramps. Stupid uterus. It is a completely involuntary reaction that I have no control over. It also raises a desire to have sex frequently – which I had just attributed to plain ol’ horniness. I feel somewhat gratified knowing this though, may I add.

So what’s a girl to do when the physicality of the situation takes over the mentality? I am aware a ticking biological clock isn’t necessarily the most attractive thing – it’s female equivalent of Flava Flav wearing a big clock around his neck. Are my hormones forcing me out of self-imposed bachelorhood? (Bachelorhood sounds a lot better than “spinsterhood”). Are my hormones basically telling, “Enough is enough, it’s time to grow up and be a woman already”? Do my hormones know something that I don’t? Can hormones emote to begin with?? It wasn’t bad enough to that I have my head and heart in a constant duel, now I have to add hormones to the mix?

And yes, I now have baby names. FML.

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Pearl Jam – twenty years later.

Last night, I had the immense pleasure of watching PJ 20 – the retrospective documentary directed by (my golden god), Cameron Crowe. I was hooked from the first 10 seconds (completely biased because I love them so much) but also because I knew this was going to be a look, not just into Pearl Jam’s history, but into the entire Seattle music scene of the late 80’s, early 90’s. I knew it was going to be good from the first mention of “Green River”. And of course, practically half an hour was devoted to Mother Love Bone – the band that kicked it all off for me. The footage of Andrew Wood was amazing to watch – he had such stage presence and I can’t even imagine the band they would have become had he not died.

The best scene of the entire movie was when the MLB and Pearl Jam world collided with footage of them covering Crown of Thorns. It brought goosebumps. “And this is my kinda love, is the kind that moves on, is the kind that leaves me alone”. Gorgeous. Second best scene was all the Vedder climbing footage put together.

Mad props to Cameron Crowe for narrating it beautifully and following a fantastic sequence that let the story unfold beautifully, as though we were all hearing it for the first time. Chris Cornell’s perspective added another great voice to the mix (and also some major eye candy) and greater depth to the Temple of Doom album. I found the Alice in Chains voice missing though, they were another one of my favorite bands at the time and I’m surprised Jerry Cantrell didn’t feature, considering he even cameo-ed in Crowe’s “Jerry Maguire”. Also, thanks to Crowe for not focussing too much on “Jeremy” – which is my least favorite song from the band. One of my favorites would have to be “Black”.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEa6mUyJYok]

They also finally addressed the issue of their Spinal Tap drummer situation! While I love Matt Cameron (the man is tank for timing and solid beats), I was always more a fan of the Dave Abbruzzese era – I found his drumming very fluid and enjoyed it more.

It was a very real, honest and raw documentary of one of the most hardworking bands that survived a fad (I always hated that word “grunge” and it was great to see that they all hated it too!), survived pop music and most importantly, survived themselves. I felt like a complete teenager in the cinema, and I think everyone else did, because we clapped like it was Sundance or something at the end of the screening.

So, here’s a picture of I got from the Ten Club (has it been 20 years already?) together with part of my cd collection. Now, where’s my Citizen Dick tshirt?

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Movies I did not expect to love.

This is a follow-up to the earlier entry “Movies I will not watch again” – I decided to post 5 movies that many people would not traditionally watch more than once, or movies that, based on my personal taste, I did not expect to enjoy and watch repeatedly.

Brokeback Mountain

Lordy, how I love this movie. I have no idea how many times I’ve watched it – definitely more than 10 (I’m giving a really low number so people don’t start giving me shit about how much tv I watch). This story is one of the most tender love stories I’ve ever seen – it’s handled so delicately and carefully. Everything about this was just perfect and probably the role Heath Ledger should have won the Oscar for (not that crap Joker performance. There can only be one Joker! Jack!). Even after all the the times I’ve watched this movie, there are so many questions that I have about their relationship (who loved who first? were they really gay or just in love with each other?). Maybe I should get the book.

 

 

Inglorious Basterds

Let me prefix this by saying I am neither a Brad Pitt nor Quentin Tarantino fan. I don’t get the big whoop about either but hey, I never said I had great taste. This story, however, was genius. I loved the Seinfeld-esque storytelling – multiple story lines seemingly running in different directions, all ending up in the same plot. Christoph Waltz was note-perfect as Hans Landa and Michael Fassbender caught my eye in this film. The boy is too fine. And credit given where credit is due, Brad Pitt was really great as Aldo the Apache – accent, attitude and all. Every time this movie in on, I have to watch it. Love it.

 

 

Conspiracy

Do I have a thing for Nazi movies? I don’t think so but I really loved this movie from the first time I saw it. I’ve watched this at least 15 times now – the performances are stellar and its amazing how a movie, primarily filmed in one room, over a couple of hours can be so gripping. Kenneth Branagh is so unbelievably cold that you try to seek warmth from Stanley Tucci’s character only to be let down by how cold he is as well. This HBO produced movie of the Wannsee Conference truly reveals the brainwashed psychology of the Nazis. I recommend watching this first, then, Inglorious Basterds – just for a little revenge. 🙂

 

Remains of the Day

I normally like my movies/tv shows full of violence, action, sex etc (Sons of Anarchy!) so it’s a miracle that I passionately adore this movie. I know I’m not the only one. I’m surprised that I’ve watched this many times over. It’s another classic, careful story that plays out like a lush, red carpet unfurling. Absolutely gorgeous to watch Anthony Hopkins in such a restrained role – in fact all of the characters play such restrained personalities that every time I watch it, I keep hoping for someone to just jump out of character and start screaming around the house. (I just realized this story is also Nazi themed! What the hell is wrong with me?)

 

And the Band Played On

I believe I first watched this movie – either in 1994 or 1995. It was a most eye-opening movie to me at the time (I must have been about 16 or 17) and AIDS was still all quite new in Singapore. I loved the combination of medical details together with the personal stories of the people trying to help bring this disease to light. It’s a sad story (obviously), extremely poignant and a must-watch for anyone.