relationship Archives - noellelynn writes

So I did a lot of heavy research on this topic (reading online articles at 2am, and deep thinking) and there are a lot of listicles about “Signs to Dump” and a lot less on why breaking-up is actually not an easy task for a lot of people to do. There are many people who KNOW that they should end a relationship and yet find it physically impossible to do so, and this made me extremely curious about the mental and medical effect relationships have on our bodies. (“Heavy”)

So, here is my grand completely-exaggerated, possibly-fabricated, non-scientific theories about why breaking up is so hard to do.

*Note: If you are in the process of a break-up, recently broken-up, have ever been dumped or just enjoy feeling depressed, you can hit play on this song as the soundtrack of this post.

“When it comes to saying ‘good-bye’, that’s a simple word that I just cannot say.” (Goddamn you, Gladys)

1. Always the Dumpee, Never The Dumper

You would usually meet 2 types of people: the ones who dump, and the ones who get dumped; the Do-ers and the Dreamers. The Do-ers tend to get a bad rep, they usually come off heartless and cold for making the decision everyone knows to be the best one. They’re the ones who rip the band-aid off. Then, there are the Dreamers; the ones who reside in memories and possibility. I don’t think one is better than the other – the Do-er tends to throw the baby out with the bathwater whilst the Dreamer tends to smother the baby to death.

2. No More Mr Bad Guy

Nobody likes to be the Bad Guy. Nobody likes to make someone cry. Nobody likes the make the decision for two. Nobody likes to be the one who surrendered first. But two Nobodies in a Nothing relationship makes it impossible to find your Somebody.

3. We Fail, Therefore We Are

A relationship is usually an investment of time, energy and commitment. Of course this grows exponentially as years go by but I wouldn’t dismiss a brief encounter to be without its intimacy. 3 months of a solid awesome honeymoon period can drag on for more than a year without either party wanting to acknowledge it just doesn’t work beyond the ethereal bliss of any new beginning – as it hints at flightiness and fleeting moments. We’re adults, we can’t have crushes! And anything that lasts more than a year is doomed to terminal illness – let’s turn this once-beautiful body into something broken apart. Why? Cos you’ve put in the time (in the adult world, one year is a considerable amount of time) and we must not fail. All your friends and the social media sphere thinks you’re in love – you can’t take it back now without the ending being shockingly obvious (another break-up?!).

Note: Everyone has an awesome life on social media – it’s curated and sculpted. I’m not going to instagram myself mouthing EPO pills during a PMS fit.

4. Attachment

And this where I get mildly scientific. Humans are conditioned to stay together, we survive as a species. We all create attachments and sometimes, these attachments get mistaken for “love”. The attachment bond when not healthy, can create false security and overly strong emotional connection – that the mind literally cannot comprehend breaking – since it ticks all the boxes of a “keeper”. That’s why you meet people who in spite of their heart knowing the reality and truth of a negative relationship, cannot bring themselves to end the relationship on the grounds that the relationship works on paper.

5. U-Turning

And the simple reason: it’s just not easy. For the better part of the relationship, you’ve convinced yourself, your family and your friends that this is the greatest person in the world. That they have a great sense of humour, are awesome in bed, are smart and even has a great name. Until it becomes “sarcasm”, “we’ve stopped having sex”, “critical” and “changed the cute name in phone to full name”. Having to stop and walk back to the beginning line without a prize, after an impressive sprint is tiring and hurts. It’s training for the marathon but having to stop in the middle. It’s flying halfway to Hawaii and having to land in Siberia cos there isn’t enough gas in the plane. It sucks.

Happy Breaking-Up!

This post wasn’t particularly easy to write – mostly because I have no conclusion to draw and that’s my conclusion. Cheating is as open-ended a topic as any, with so many variables yet needs none. I would like to thank all the people who let me interview them, especially for their candour when I opened up the topic with “So, do you think monogamy is a myth?”.

I would like to start this off by saying, I’m not married. I have never been married. I have no idea what it’s like to be married for 10 years with 3 kids. I don’t personally know what that does to a person, a couple, a relationship. So here’s my notes, draw your own conclusion.

Emotional vs Physical Cheating

I’ve taken Dr. Phil’s (yes, that Dr. Phil) definition of cheating: Would you do it, if the other person was in the room? Absolutely fantastic, iron-clad definition. So get out of here with your “kissing isn’t cheating”, “texting isn’t cheating”… if you’re hiding it, it means there’s something to hide.

Emotional cheating would be having a non-physical relationship with someone else – whether this comes in the form of continued sharing at the office (apparently, “office-husbands/wives” are a common thing), texting repeatedly about your lives/partners, etc…

Physical cheating would be obviously be just that – in many variations, till P meets V.

Most of the people I interviewed, male or female, would forgive physical cheating, over emotional cheating.

Unless the women I interviewed were lying to me, none of them have cheated on their husbands/partners. More than 70% of the men I interviewed have cheated, and continue to do so. Gender vs genetic bias? Are men still just cavemen hunters, looking to spread their seed and populate the world? It’s in the nature of every male animal to propagate its species, why should the quasi-evolved man differ? One of my favourite quotes from an interviewee was, “Every man just needs some strange“. Could it really be that simple? Another interviewee classified his cheating more as “assisted masturbation” – no emotions are involved and that is in respect to his wife.

Some men felt validated in their decision to cheat if their partners gained weight or became someone she wasn’t when they met and fell in love (clingy, boring, talks only about the kids). Fear not, there are some men who adamantly refuse to cheat – but there are no commonalities, although cheating tends to favour more successful men.

The Ages and Stages of Cheating

Men who entered fully committed relationships in their early 20’s and had multiple kids before they turned 30, seem to have a strong propensity to have physical flings in their 40s. It’s quite understood that between 25-30 is when everyone has their crazy sexed-up “what was I thinking” years and if this is replaced by a routine familial life, it’ll come out eventually. Wild cannot be suppressed. People who get married in their 30s seem to have a more realistic grasp on relationships and a mutual readiness for family – and to hold on to it. Whether this will result to cheating in their 50s, who knows?

There is no commonality of the people I interviewed – some have been married for 10 years, some in early relationships. “My crotch fell into someone else’s crotch” is an almost instantly forgiven transgression, and “I’m in love with someone else” is instant dismissal. There seems to be little to salvage from emotional cheating – the groin can wander, but not the heart. Every married woman with kids I interviewed would forgive a physical cheat – regardless of the initial shock and hurt. It seems to be a form of reality, that they have accepted. Perhaps the reality is just that, after 10 years of being with the same person, the trials and utilitarianism of having children – the relationship evolves from romance to functional. And it’s during those years of function, the heart is more willing to forgive.

A woman almost always knows when her man is cheating (and it’s not that we’re that smart, it’s just that most men are really bad at hiding things). It seems smart women know when to play the fool to keep the peace for the sake of their family.

———-

My simple conclusion is that monogamy is not a myth, it does exist but it’s also a reality that it should not be expected.

Thank you once again to everyone who let me interview them – it was a good mix of successful bankers, professionals, stay at home moms, working moms, etc…

Tag: relationship

Why Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.