Somebody.

One thing in particular has been on my mind today – it must be Christmas coming and the rainy weather that makes one ponder.

Over the years, of relationships gone by – I’ve come to realise a few things about myself. I’m a twister. (see: game, not movie) I twist traits to suit my needs. I overlook instinct to hope that this One Person can fit the mould I think I want. And then time moves on, turns out I didn’t want that mould in the end (or it fit too good) and then it’s over.

The irony of this is that I see the signs from the beginning. I’d like to believe I have strong instincts but my will is stronger than that of my reserve. I can meet someone and instantly believe he is not right for me but I will give it a chance (which may be a good thing) and then will seek out the small traits I can identify with – like a pig looking for truffles. I then cling on to these traits until they wear thin and break down to the nothing they always were.

I have been doing this for years and am now still coming to terms that I have done this to a very good man who did not deserve my Spanish Moss ways (moss that clings and kills).

The problem is that I do not know how to solve this. It’s one thing to discover a problem – it’s a whole other thing to have an effective solution. And even now, having identified the problem – knowing it exists and that I am a walking Self Fulfilling Prophecy – I cannot stop. I am still doing it.

Edward, my brother and friend since I was 13, feels I should repair this instead of expecting someone to fix it for me. I agree with this except I have no clue where to begin. Why is it so easy to give suggestions to a friend and not to yourself? Why is the water always so clear on the other side and muddy on your own?

I’d like to think I have had this insight and clarity to my relationship behaviour since I was 15. I even have evidence. I had a school project to do – like a journal. Of course, me being me, I did an elaborate journal – with writings and lyric. Everyone has to have a soundtrack to their lives and there is still one song in there that has stayed true to me. From 15 to 30 29. Even then I knew this song was about me – what did I know then? How did I know? There’s nothing about me that has stayed the same since I was 15 – not my hair, not even my friends. I left everything at the side of the road but the biggest bag.

Desperado – The Eagles

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses
You’ve been out ridin’ fences,
for so long – now.
Oh, you’re a hard one.
I know that you’ve got your reasons.
These things that are pleasing you
Can hurt you somehow.

Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She’ll beat you if she’s able.
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table.
But you only want the ones
That you can’t get.

Desperado,
Oh you aint getting no younger.
Your pain and your hunger,
They’re driving you home.
And freedom, oh, freedom.
Well that’s just some people talking.
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine.
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day.
And you’re losing all your highs and lows
aint it funny how the feeling goes away…

Desperado,
Why don’t you come to your senses?
come down from your fences, open the gate.
It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you.
You better let somebody love you
before it’s too late.