noellelynn writes

October 10, 2015

8 Thoughts I’ve Had Since I Started Exercising

Anyone who knows me, knows I’m an over-thinker. I even wrote about over-thinking during yoga and decided silent, peaceful moments aren’t for me. So I joined a gym with lots of music. Fitness First. Yes, me.

1. The gym costs how much?!

It ain’t cheap – but I also crumble from sales peer pressure. I’m currently paying around $150 a month for access to 2 gyms and that isn’t cheap. However, in my quest for fitness, I’ve realised I need people to yell at me, and tell me what to do. It’s like being in Nazi Germany for an hour – terrifying and effective.

2. Gym clothes cost how much?!

Honestly, what are gym clothes made of?? A pair of pants cost $80, a top costs $50 – and that’s just to start with. Let’s not even go to the cost of sports bras – honestly, was it hand-sewn by monks in remote Tibet or something?

3. That was just the warm-up?!

3 minutes into the workout: OMG, I’m so good at this, I feel GREAT!
5 minutes into the workout: It must be an hour already, I’m going to die, I need a rub-down and coconut water.

4. Sometimes you just want to dance.

My favourite part of the Les Mills programmes is the damn music. Sometimes, the jam is just too good, so I end up doing my own thing at the back of the room. And yes, I’ve tried Zumba and didn’t know what the cha-cha was all about – I’m only 25 years old, you know.

5. I punch myself in the face.

This has happened several times now during a Combat class. And maybe a Pump class. Ok, maybe in all the classes. “Focus on your retraction”, they said. “Bring your fists back to your face”, they said.

6. My boobs are everywhere.

If it requires jumping or running on the spot, I WILL hold on to my breasts. I don’t care if it looks super weird or if the instructor is holding back her laughter… a girl’s gotta take care of her girls.

7. Sports Bras.

Which brings me to my next point: Sports bras. Men (or flat-chested women) clearly invented most of the sports bras out there. If you have anything over a B cup, you would know the struggle of putting on a cross back bra (it’s delicately shoving one boob in there at a time). Even worse are the ones which hook from behind. I don’t live in Downton Abbey, I don’t have a plethora of hand maidens just standing by to get me into my active wear. A major shout-out to Under Armour for making a proper zip-front sports bra (in cup sizes!) that straps my puppies down.

8. Everyone else is WAY better.

There’s always that ONE person who’s the fucking high-achiever in the class, and you’re there at the back, questioning all your choices in life, trying not die.

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Have fun exercising just so you can validate the crap you stuff in your mouth.

August 27, 2015

7 Red Flags When Dating A Girl

I said I would write this. I’m a firm believer of what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, so I dish it AND take it. Perk up, Playstation geeks.

Red Flag #1: 90% of her Instagram feed are selfies

She’ll love herself more than she can love anyone else. Now, I’m one for loving yourself, but diversify a little. Unless she’s a professional beauty blogger or influencer, there’s absolutely no reason for that shit-ton of selfies. Except crazy. Always crazy.

Red Flag 1B: More than 10 photo editing apps on her phone

This means she’s a 100% filtered, 100% photo-edited and 100% narcissistic. She probably has an altered state of reality and is living in her own little world. A great way to check it out would be to casually remark “I need to delete some apps from my phone, how many do you have?” If she has 2 folders of “Photography”, get yourself a new reality.

Red Flag #2: All her friends are “bitches” or “sluts”

Even worse, she doesn’t have female friends. She might try to pawn this off initially by saying she’s a “guy’s girl” but what’s really going on is she isolates or just isn’t a nice person to other women. If she’s not liked by other (any!) women, there’s a damn good reason why.

Red Flag #3: Tells you what she’s sexually into (or not) within 3 text messages

Now, we’re talking “dating” here, not “hooking up”. If she has a long list, paragraphed and well-punctuatuted – believe you me, you’re not the first person to receive that text. (Bonus points if she emphasises that she doesn’t do butt stuff) (It means she does).

Red Flag #4: She’s been engaged 3 times

I get once, maybe twice if she’s significantly older. But if she’s been engaged 3 times, you need to evaluate her definition of “long term commitment” as well as her ever-changing needs.

Red Flag #5: She’s constantly changing types of jobs

Today, she’s an accountant. Tomorrow, she’s a nail therapist, and the day after, she’s in fashion. Watch out for the girl with the always-changing mind – it’s highly likely having a “career” is a ruse and she’ll drop this smokescreen the minute the sperm meets the egg.

Red Flag #6: She asks about your finances on the first date/meeting

This one is pretty obvious. At least wait till the third date, woman.

Red Flag #7: She orders a salad on the first date

The pièce de résistance: she’s a salad orderer on a date! I have no issues with anyone have a sad salad for lunch but going on a date and ordering a salad is one of the saddest things I can think of. What are you going to talk about, the croutons? It means she’s wound so tight she can’t even relax and order a steak like any regular hot-blooded human.

Writer’s note: I’m like 3 of these red flags, so don’t bother trying to call me out.

January 15, 2015

7 Red Flags When Dating A Dude

As someone who’s been in the dating pool for approximately 20 years now (it was a pool before, now it’s a puddle), I believe I’ve honed the art of spotting red flags in men (heeding my own advice, now that’s a skill I haven’t mastered yet). So here is my own bullshittery.

Red Flag #1: Messy Apartment

Wrangle an opportunity to see his apartment as soon as possible, and hopefully without early warning. This way you get to see it in all it’s glory. If you have to step over things to get to the sofa, which is cluttered with receipts, old magazines (and let’s hope nothing else), RUN (or stumble) out of there.

Red Flag #2: Nothing Lives in There

There is nothing with a life-force in his apartment. No pets, no plants – the only thing thriving is bacteria. On the other hand, a man who owns 10 dogs (or 1 cat) shouldn’t be entertained either.

Red Flag #3: Nothing in His Fridge

Oh, hell no. Fake like you want a glass of water and check out his fridge. If there is absolutely nothing in his fridge besides a bottle of vodka, make like a tree and leave. It would be better to find a fridge full of rotting take-out than nothing.

Red Flag #4: Persistent Phone Problems

Nothing bugs me more than a man with persistent phone problems. Battery dying, no signal, Blackberry – it’s 2015! Get a proper damn phone! This means he’s not interested enough in maintaining any form of communication or relationship with anyone (not just you). Phone a friend, and go home.

Red Flag #5: He Has a Playstation Or More Than 1 Game on His iPad

Enough said.

Red Flag #6: Child of divorce

Oh, this one will get me in trouble but I believe I have the grounds (and experience) to make this diagnosis. Men of divorced parents tend to have a skewed sense, and cynical viewpoint, of relationships. They may not necessarily view monogamy as a necessity and tend to place value on other things like work and offspring.

Red Flag #7: He’s Over 38 and Has Never Been Married or in a Serious Relationship

There’s something is rotten in the state of Denmark. 38 upwards for a single man is a shifty and often suspicious time. If he has been in at least one long-term relationship in his life (4 years and above), you can exclude him. But if all he’s had are a series of flings, seriously consider his headspace – he will definitely pull the “I don’t ever want to get married” card on you at some point.

Happy dating y’all!

Writer’s note: I may have dated men with some or all of these red flags. If you know of this, keep it to yourself.

December 2, 2014

Why Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.

So I did a lot of heavy research on this topic (reading online articles at 2am, and deep thinking) and there are a lot of listicles about “Signs to Dump” and a lot less on why breaking-up is actually not an easy task for a lot of people to do. There are many people who KNOW that they should end a relationship and yet find it physically impossible to do so, and this made me extremely curious about the mental and medical effect relationships have on our bodies. (“Heavy”)

So, here is my grand completely-exaggerated, possibly-fabricated, non-scientific theories about why breaking up is so hard to do.

*Note: If you are in the process of a break-up, recently broken-up, have ever been dumped or just enjoy feeling depressed, you can hit play on this song as the soundtrack of this post.

“When it comes to saying ‘good-bye’, that’s a simple word that I just cannot say.” (Goddamn you, Gladys)

1. Always the Dumpee, Never The Dumper

You would usually meet 2 types of people: the ones who dump, and the ones who get dumped; the Do-ers and the Dreamers. The Do-ers tend to get a bad rep, they usually come off heartless and cold for making the decision everyone knows to be the best one. They’re the ones who rip the band-aid off. Then, there are the Dreamers; the ones who reside in memories and possibility. I don’t think one is better than the other – the Do-er tends to throw the baby out with the bathwater whilst the Dreamer tends to smother the baby to death.

2. No More Mr Bad Guy

Nobody likes to be the Bad Guy. Nobody likes to make someone cry. Nobody likes the make the decision for two. Nobody likes to be the one who surrendered first. But two Nobodies in a Nothing relationship makes it impossible to find your Somebody.

3. We Fail, Therefore We Are

A relationship is usually an investment of time, energy and commitment. Of course this grows exponentially as years go by but I wouldn’t dismiss a brief encounter to be without its intimacy. 3 months of a solid awesome honeymoon period can drag on for more than a year without either party wanting to acknowledge it just doesn’t work beyond the ethereal bliss of any new beginning – as it hints at flightiness and fleeting moments. We’re adults, we can’t have crushes! And anything that lasts more than a year is doomed to terminal illness – let’s turn this once-beautiful body into something broken apart. Why? Cos you’ve put in the time (in the adult world, one year is a considerable amount of time) and we must not fail. All your friends and the social media sphere thinks you’re in love – you can’t take it back now without the ending being shockingly obvious (another break-up?!).

Note: Everyone has an awesome life on social media – it’s curated and sculpted. I’m not going to instagram myself mouthing EPO pills during a PMS fit.

4. Attachment

And this where I get mildly scientific. Humans are conditioned to stay together, we survive as a species. We all create attachments and sometimes, these attachments get mistaken for “love”. The attachment bond when not healthy, can create false security and overly strong emotional connection – that the mind literally cannot comprehend breaking – since it ticks all the boxes of a “keeper”. That’s why you meet people who in spite of their heart knowing the reality and truth of a negative relationship, cannot bring themselves to end the relationship on the grounds that the relationship works on paper.

5. U-Turning

And the simple reason: it’s just not easy. For the better part of the relationship, you’ve convinced yourself, your family and your friends that this is the greatest person in the world. That they have a great sense of humour, are awesome in bed, are smart and even has a great name. Until it becomes “sarcasm”, “we’ve stopped having sex”, “critical” and “changed the cute name in phone to full name”. Having to stop and walk back to the beginning line without a prize, after an impressive sprint is tiring and hurts. It’s training for the marathon but having to stop in the middle. It’s flying halfway to Hawaii and having to land in Siberia cos there isn’t enough gas in the plane. It sucks.

Happy Breaking-Up!

September 3, 2014

Cool Girls.

I was recently wowed by Gillian Flynn’s “Gone Girl” – particularly this paragraph:

“I was playing the girl who was in style, the girl a man like Nick wants: the Cool Girl. Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they?She’s a cool girl . Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl. Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl.”

While this book is a whole lot darker than real life, Hollywood loves to perpetuate the myth of the “cool girl”. And girls buy into it. They buy into the pressure to pretend to like sports, non-girly cocktails, don’t give a shit if their men spend all their nights with the “boys” (read: stripclubs “wow! I wanna go next time too, I love strip clubs!”) and of course, love casual sex relationships.

**Insert obvious disclaimer here: Yes, some women actually like all this shit. Good for you.

The Cool Sports Chick

You know this girl. She’s never cared about a certain sport and all of a sudden, she can prattle off statistics, owns a jersey and can’t hang out tonight cos it’s “game night”. Or, the one who takes up a sport just to spend time with her man. Now, I’m not suggesting you don’t take an interest in things to spend more time with your partner, but how many men do you know take up manicures just spend more time with their women?

Movie Cool Girl: Cool Rachel McAdams in The Wedding Crashers (love this movie so much) is the ONLY girl playing touch football, while her much more sensible female family members choose to have cocktails. She’s SO FUN, she must be THE ONE!

The Cool Independent Girl

As Jay-Z said, “Get your independent ass outta here, question?”. The girl that can do everything for herself, by herself, “I don’t need a man to make me happy” girl. Calm down, sister wife! I advocate feminism (which is for the equality, not dominance of women in society) but there’s no need to assert it every 5 minutes. There’s nothing wrong with being the girl that appreciates a little doting attention every now and then.

Movie Cool Girl: Arctic-cool Mila Kunis represents the antithesis of the movie-titled character “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, by being so cool it hurts – she guzzles beer, is good in bed, jumps off cliffs AND supports her man’s Dracula musical whole-heartedly. Jeez. Like us mortal beings could ever live up to that shit. (Sidenote: Any girl that says she’s “not that type of girl” is usually exactly THAT kind of girl.)

The Cool Girl Who Doesn’t Like Flowers

Ahhhh the declaration cool girls love to make to instantly give off the impression that they’re low-maintenance and not needy. Which honestly, is not in the job description of any woman. A smart man will call bullshit but there are those who will take their word for it and think “Great! Now I don’t have to do anything nice! Score!”

Movie Cool Girl: In what everyone mistakenly thought was a comedy, Jennifer Aniston in The Break-Up played the “take me out to the ball game”, hot-dog eating girl (no judgement on that, I love me some hot dogs) who suddenly loses it when she realises she’s not appreciated or valued.

The Cool Girl Who Doesn’t Want Gifts

Why would any girl actually volunteer to NOT receive gifts?! Who does that?! That’s the best part of being a girl! You get to have pretty things, take a longer time to get dressed and stay in bed one weekend a month!

cool girls gifts

Movie Cool Girl: In the first 5 minutes of Going The Distance, the constant games-playing is brought out by the new-ex-girlfriend who actually asserts that she didn’t want a gift and of course it bitterly upset when she didn’t actually get a gift.

The Cool Casual Sex Girl

This girl does not exist. Or at the very least, she’s 1% of all women and the chances of you sleeping with her are slim. Be wary of the girl who says she doesn’t want a commitment and be even more wary of the girl who says she just wants casual sex. You may feel like you hit the Holy Grail but the odds of her trying to turn it around on you is 99.9% and before you know it she’s spending the entire weekend at your apartment and wants to meet your mother.

Movie Cool Girl: Kristen Wiig makes every single mistake a girl can make to try to win over a guy – from enduring bad sex to faking commitment issues to accepting a world of disrespect. Which makes this movie so awesome, I love Bridesmaids so much.

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Moral of the story: Be your crazy ass self! It’s ok to want flowers and gifts and hate sports! Stop trying to be the Cool Girl that eventually buckles under the pressure of wanting to flip the switch. Just be honest from the get-go and get what you want before he gives you the heave-ho.

As always, my post disclaimer: "I know shit about shit".