Life Archives - Page 2 of 11 - noellelynn writes

December 2, 2014

Why Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.

So I did a lot of heavy research on this topic (reading online articles at 2am, and deep thinking) and there are a lot of listicles about “Signs to Dump” and a lot less on why breaking-up is actually not an easy task for a lot of people to do. There are many people who KNOW that they should end a relationship and yet find it physically impossible to do so, and this made me extremely curious about the mental and medical effect relationships have on our bodies. (“Heavy”)

So, here is my grand completely-exaggerated, possibly-fabricated, non-scientific theories about why breaking up is so hard to do.

*Note: If you are in the process of a break-up, recently broken-up, have ever been dumped or just enjoy feeling depressed, you can hit play on this song as the soundtrack of this post.

“When it comes to saying ‘good-bye’, that’s a simple word that I just cannot say.” (Goddamn you, Gladys)

1. Always the Dumpee, Never The Dumper

You would usually meet 2 types of people: the ones who dump, and the ones who get dumped; the Do-ers and the Dreamers. The Do-ers tend to get a bad rep, they usually come off heartless and cold for making the decision everyone knows to be the best one. They’re the ones who rip the band-aid off. Then, there are the Dreamers; the ones who reside in memories and possibility. I don’t think one is better than the other – the Do-er tends to throw the baby out with the bathwater whilst the Dreamer tends to smother the baby to death.

2. No More Mr Bad Guy

Nobody likes to be the Bad Guy. Nobody likes to make someone cry. Nobody likes the make the decision for two. Nobody likes to be the one who surrendered first. But two Nobodies in a Nothing relationship makes it impossible to find your Somebody.

3. We Fail, Therefore We Are

A relationship is usually an investment of time, energy and commitment. Of course this grows exponentially as years go by but I wouldn’t dismiss a brief encounter to be without its intimacy. 3 months of a solid awesome honeymoon period can drag on for more than a year without either party wanting to acknowledge it just doesn’t work beyond the ethereal bliss of any new beginning – as it hints at flightiness and fleeting moments. We’re adults, we can’t have crushes! And anything that lasts more than a year is doomed to terminal illness – let’s turn this once-beautiful body into something broken apart. Why? Cos you’ve put in the time (in the adult world, one year is a considerable amount of time) and we must not fail. All your friends and the social media sphere thinks you’re in love – you can’t take it back now without the ending being shockingly obvious (another break-up?!).

Note: Everyone has an awesome life on social media – it’s curated and sculpted. I’m not going to instagram myself mouthing EPO pills during a PMS fit.

4. Attachment

And this where I get mildly scientific. Humans are conditioned to stay together, we survive as a species. We all create attachments and sometimes, these attachments get mistaken for “love”. The attachment bond when not healthy, can create false security and overly strong emotional connection – that the mind literally cannot comprehend breaking – since it ticks all the boxes of a “keeper”. That’s why you meet people who in spite of their heart knowing the reality and truth of a negative relationship, cannot bring themselves to end the relationship on the grounds that the relationship works on paper.

5. U-Turning

And the simple reason: it’s just not easy. For the better part of the relationship, you’ve convinced yourself, your family and your friends that this is the greatest person in the world. That they have a great sense of humour, are awesome in bed, are smart and even has a great name. Until it becomes “sarcasm”, “we’ve stopped having sex”, “critical” and “changed the cute name in phone to full name”. Having to stop and walk back to the beginning line without a prize, after an impressive sprint is tiring and hurts. It’s training for the marathon but having to stop in the middle. It’s flying halfway to Hawaii and having to land in Siberia cos there isn’t enough gas in the plane. It sucks.

Happy Breaking-Up!

September 3, 2014

Cool Girls.

I was recently wowed by Gillian Flynn’s “Gone Girl” – particularly this paragraph:

“I was playing the girl who was in style, the girl a man like Nick wants: the Cool Girl. Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they?She’s a cool girl . Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl. Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl.”

While this book is a whole lot darker than real life, Hollywood loves to perpetuate the myth of the “cool girl”. And girls buy into it. They buy into the pressure to pretend to like sports, non-girly cocktails, don’t give a shit if their men spend all their nights with the “boys” (read: stripclubs “wow! I wanna go next time too, I love strip clubs!”) and of course, love casual sex relationships.

**Insert obvious disclaimer here: Yes, some women actually like all this shit. Good for you.

The Cool Sports Chick

You know this girl. She’s never cared about a certain sport and all of a sudden, she can prattle off statistics, owns a jersey and can’t hang out tonight cos it’s “game night”. Or, the one who takes up a sport just to spend time with her man. Now, I’m not suggesting you don’t take an interest in things to spend more time with your partner, but how many men do you know take up manicures just spend more time with their women?

Movie Cool Girl: Cool Rachel McAdams in The Wedding Crashers (love this movie so much) is the ONLY girl playing touch football, while her much more sensible female family members choose to have cocktails. She’s SO FUN, she must be THE ONE!

The Cool Independent Girl

As Jay-Z said, “Get your independent ass outta here, question?”. The girl that can do everything for herself, by herself, “I don’t need a man to make me happy” girl. Calm down, sister wife! I advocate feminism (which is for the equality, not dominance of women in society) but there’s no need to assert it every 5 minutes. There’s nothing wrong with being the girl that appreciates a little doting attention every now and then.

Movie Cool Girl: Arctic-cool Mila Kunis represents the antithesis of the movie-titled character “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, by being so cool it hurts – she guzzles beer, is good in bed, jumps off cliffs AND supports her man’s Dracula musical whole-heartedly. Jeez. Like us mortal beings could ever live up to that shit. (Sidenote: Any girl that says she’s “not that type of girl” is usually exactly THAT kind of girl.)

The Cool Girl Who Doesn’t Like Flowers

Ahhhh the declaration cool girls love to make to instantly give off the impression that they’re low-maintenance and not needy. Which honestly, is not in the job description of any woman. A smart man will call bullshit but there are those who will take their word for it and think “Great! Now I don’t have to do anything nice! Score!”

Movie Cool Girl: In what everyone mistakenly thought was a comedy, Jennifer Aniston in The Break-Up played the “take me out to the ball game”, hot-dog eating girl (no judgement on that, I love me some hot dogs) who suddenly loses it when she realises she’s not appreciated or valued.

The Cool Girl Who Doesn’t Want Gifts

Why would any girl actually volunteer to NOT receive gifts?! Who does that?! That’s the best part of being a girl! You get to have pretty things, take a longer time to get dressed and stay in bed one weekend a month!

cool girls gifts

Movie Cool Girl: In the first 5 minutes of Going The Distance, the constant games-playing is brought out by the new-ex-girlfriend who actually asserts that she didn’t want a gift and of course it bitterly upset when she didn’t actually get a gift.

The Cool Casual Sex Girl

This girl does not exist. Or at the very least, she’s 1% of all women and the chances of you sleeping with her are slim. Be wary of the girl who says she doesn’t want a commitment and be even more wary of the girl who says she just wants casual sex. You may feel like you hit the Holy Grail but the odds of her trying to turn it around on you is 99.9% and before you know it she’s spending the entire weekend at your apartment and wants to meet your mother.

Movie Cool Girl: Kristen Wiig makes every single mistake a girl can make to try to win over a guy – from enduring bad sex to faking commitment issues to accepting a world of disrespect. Which makes this movie so awesome, I love Bridesmaids so much.

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Moral of the story: Be your crazy ass self! It’s ok to want flowers and gifts and hate sports! Stop trying to be the Cool Girl that eventually buckles under the pressure of wanting to flip the switch. Just be honest from the get-go and get what you want before he gives you the heave-ho.

As always, my post disclaimer: "I know shit about shit".

June 30, 2014

Things Women Wish We Never Have To Do.

1. Wear heels

Have you ever met a woman who didn’t grumble about her heels, complain that her feet were bleeding into her shoes, can’t walk far cos of her heels, hates you forever cos you made her walk, hates heels but hates looking short. We love the idea of heels but hate them to the core. It’s a self-loathing prophecy.

2. Wear thongs

whitechicks

I blame Sisqo for this one. Here we were all happy in the 90s with our VPLs and then all of a sudden, it became uncool. Everyone needed to wear “thongs”. And then it went from regular thongs to g-strings to t-strings and now to the what-the-hell-is-this c-string. I refuse to date anyone who thinks a g-string is sexy. A. It just shows too much ass and frankly I don’t have that much. B. Half the time, I’m wondering if there’s anyone walking behind me that can view my unadulterated, blissful wedgie removal. How is pulling a thong from your ass sexy?? Give me a good pair of granny panties anytime. I’ll make it look hot, don’t worry.

3. Hair removal

Sure we all made fun of Paula Cole’s hairy armpits (why does this post have so many 90s references?) but I feel really bad now for having misjudged her. Oh, to live in a world where hair on a woman was completely normal and even better, encouraged. Men can stop grumbling about having to shave now, hipster beards are in – whereas hairy legs will never be given their own Buzzfeed listicles. From shaving, to waxing to light pulse permanent removal. Why do we do this to ourselves?? I would like to take this opportunity to publicly apologise to all the girls who’ve ever had to do my Brazilian wax – I did not mean to call you a “mother-effin bitch” or “hope you die”.

4. Wear make-up

Don’t get me wrong. I love make-up. I love it because I’m not a natural beauty (it’s ok, I’ve come to terms with it). But if make-up was never invented and we were all just cheek-pinchers, what a happy world that would be. There would be no “Celebrities Without Make-up!!” articles (which by the way, if you are shocked at, I don’t think you know how make-up works). I would have saved thousands of dollars from trying to find the perfect concealer colour.

5. Exercise

Ok, this one is just me. Every woman I know loves to exercise, so can you guys please knock if off cos you’re making me look like an unfit mess.

6. Make reservations

I write about this one all the time – just for extra emphasis of how much women hate to do this shit. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll happily make reservations for other women but when it comes to making a reservation for a date/activity involving a man, there is so much inner turmoil and resentment. Even worse is if we’re put in a situation where a reservation should have, and wasn’t made. “I’m sorry, you want me to wait how long?”

7. Not eat

Every woman loves to eat. Including all the sad ones who go to restaurants and have salads. (Please pray for them). Here’s the best part: Men love it when you eat too! So just chow down without guilt or remorse! This is also why I could never date a fitness freak.

June 25, 2014

On Women and Bullying.

It’s 2014 and you’d think we’d be done with all this feminist nonsense. And yet, a woman standing up for herself in any which way is deemed feminist, which is viewed as the antithesis of being feminine. And with that comes a bucketload of taboo EMOTIONS. Lord, not the female emotions! (Cue every woman’s favourite question: Is it that time of the month?)

When Men Call Women “Crazy”

I’ve had my fair share of calling women crazy (yes, there are many blogs, shut up, what are you, my record-keeper?). I recently read an article about “gaslighting” and labelling women as crazy is an amazing way to completely discredit their feelings. I guarantee that every woman has been considered an “over-reactor” or “over-thinker” at one point in their lives. I can also guarantee that they’ve been told to “calm down” or “relax” by a man. Which by the way, we all love. It completely calms us down and doesn’t make us want to rip your balls off in any which way.

You know why? Because you have just condescendingly told us that you are in control. Of both your “feelings” and the situation – and are therefore more rational – and subsequently more right. That is not always the case. Just because we have emotions does not mean that we are wrong. And what’s the opposite end of the spectrum? We’re cold. Yipee! We get to be over-emotional basket cases or cold fish! Which do I want to be today?!

Liaison fatale

Don’t get me wrong. There are some batshit crazy women out there -but I’ve come to realise that they are really a product of their background and experiences. For example, if a man decides he just wants to be in a sexual relationship with a woman but doesn’t tell her the truth and she starts to behave in an opposite manner, she becomes “crazy’. I’ve always thought Glenn Close’s character in Fatal Attraction was misrepresented (ok, up to the boiling rabbits and attempted murder). Why was she wrong to get upset at someone who used her and wanted to lose her?

To completely and conveniently paraphrase George Carlin: “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

So here’s what I have to say: It’s ok to have emotions, it’s ok to feel them and it’s ok to express them. Anybody (male or female) who tries to discredit them by asking you to “calm down” or calling you “crazy” is essentially bullying you to cave and back down. It is a form of manipulation. I think it’s very sad for a woman to not feel free to express herself for fear of being judged as “crazy”.

I also kinda feel bad for calling some men crazy. They were just being emotional – which is also considered taboo for them. I sometimes call it “Man-opause”. My bad, dudes. My bad.

When Women Get Bullied At Work

I am fortunate to be surrounded by many strong women – both personally and professionally. Most of them are in upper management levels and doing a great job of being leaders. And yet, the common gripe is being taken advantage of by a male boss – not sexually, but work-wise. Almost all of them have a male boss that either overloads work and takes credit, or flat out bullied in situations to get more work done for less or for free. As a freelancer with both male and female clients, I can confidently say, no female client has ever tried to ask me for freebies or bully me into giving them more than was pre-arranged.

Coincidence? You tell me.

Final disclaimer: Yes – women bully women. Men bully men.

April 25, 2014

The Monogamy Myth.

This post wasn’t particularly easy to write – mostly because I have no conclusion to draw and that’s my conclusion. Cheating is as open-ended a topic as any, with so many variables yet needs none. I would like to thank all the people who let me interview them, especially for their candour when I opened up the topic with “So, do you think monogamy is a myth?”.

I would like to start this off by saying, I’m not married. I have never been married. I have no idea what it’s like to be married for 10 years with 3 kids. I don’t personally know what that does to a person, a couple, a relationship. So here’s my notes, draw your own conclusion.

Emotional vs Physical Cheating

I’ve taken Dr. Phil’s (yes, that Dr. Phil) definition of cheating: Would you do it, if the other person was in the room? Absolutely fantastic, iron-clad definition. So get out of here with your “kissing isn’t cheating”, “texting isn’t cheating”… if you’re hiding it, it means there’s something to hide.

Emotional cheating would be having a non-physical relationship with someone else – whether this comes in the form of continued sharing at the office (apparently, “office-husbands/wives” are a common thing), texting repeatedly about your lives/partners, etc…

Physical cheating would be obviously be just that – in many variations, till P meets V.

Most of the people I interviewed, male or female, would forgive physical cheating, over emotional cheating.

Unless the women I interviewed were lying to me, none of them have cheated on their husbands/partners. More than 70% of the men I interviewed have cheated, and continue to do so. Gender vs genetic bias? Are men still just cavemen hunters, looking to spread their seed and populate the world? It’s in the nature of every male animal to propagate its species, why should the quasi-evolved man differ? One of my favourite quotes from an interviewee was, “Every man just needs some strange“. Could it really be that simple? Another interviewee classified his cheating more as “assisted masturbation” – no emotions are involved and that is in respect to his wife.

Some men felt validated in their decision to cheat if their partners gained weight or became someone she wasn’t when they met and fell in love (clingy, boring, talks only about the kids). Fear not, there are some men who adamantly refuse to cheat – but there are no commonalities, although cheating tends to favour more successful men.

The Ages and Stages of Cheating

Men who entered fully committed relationships in their early 20’s and had multiple kids before they turned 30, seem to have a strong propensity to have physical flings in their 40s. It’s quite understood that between 25-30 is when everyone has their crazy sexed-up “what was I thinking” years and if this is replaced by a routine familial life, it’ll come out eventually. Wild cannot be suppressed. People who get married in their 30s seem to have a more realistic grasp on relationships and a mutual readiness for family – and to hold on to it. Whether this will result to cheating in their 50s, who knows?

There is no commonality of the people I interviewed – some have been married for 10 years, some in early relationships. “My crotch fell into someone else’s crotch” is an almost instantly forgiven transgression, and “I’m in love with someone else” is instant dismissal. There seems to be little to salvage from emotional cheating – the groin can wander, but not the heart. Every married woman with kids I interviewed would forgive a physical cheat – regardless of the initial shock and hurt. It seems to be a form of reality, that they have accepted. Perhaps the reality is just that, after 10 years of being with the same person, the trials and utilitarianism of having children – the relationship evolves from romance to functional. And it’s during those years of function, the heart is more willing to forgive.

A woman almost always knows when her man is cheating (and it’s not that we’re that smart, it’s just that most men are really bad at hiding things). It seems smart women know when to play the fool to keep the peace for the sake of their family.

———-

My simple conclusion is that monogamy is not a myth, it does exist but it’s also a reality that it should not be expected.

Thank you once again to everyone who let me interview them – it was a good mix of successful bankers, professionals, stay at home moms, working moms, etc…