noellelynn writes

Whoever says that the engagement period is the best time of your life, is either delusional, out-of-touch, a liar or did not plan their own wedding.

In the span of 4 months, I’ve had about a million meltdowns and at least 1 major breakdown – which involved me sobbing in the arms of my  betrothed, who held me, bewildered under the misapprehension that choosing flowers and designing invites would be fun.

Here are all the ways it’s been FUN to plan a wedding.

1. Family Drama

This is everyone else’s wedding, didn’t you know? If you think it’s yours, HAHAHA. The requests and demands will leave you in tears and this is only the FIRST stage of planning – choosing the date. Give up your dreams of having the perfect anniversary date now.

2. The Delusion of Over-Achieving

This is the early phase of wedding planning: the “I can do it all!” and “How difficult can it be?” You convince yourself that once the venue and dress is set, everything else will naturally fall into place. I mean, how difficult can it be to choose some flowers and order a cake?

3. The Missing Minister

Having no real referrals for the right person to marry us, this hunt has proven to be odd, to say the least. Apparently finding a solemnizer in February for a wedding in December is way too advanced planning, or everyone is travelling or an estranged family member of one of our guests. True story. Recommendations welcome.

4. Let The Mini Meltdowns Begin!

I feel really sorry for my boyfriend (I find it pretentious to use the word “fiance”) – who put in months of planning the perfect proposal and enjoyed it for exactly ONE day before his doe-eyed love turned in a raging Bridezilla on a stampede. He now gets the enjoy my weekly headaches, rants against every hotel and venue in town and me turning down his every offer for help (like I’d let a boy choose the flowers).

5. It Costs How Much?!

Holy shit, weddings are expensive, I don’t care if you start off with the “small and simple” concept you agreed on when you were wrapped in each other’s arms. Once you peel the other person off, you’d realise that weddings are a billion dollar industry for a reason.

6. The Engagement Anxiety

This is a real thing. My man and I were at each other’s throats for a large chunk of this allegedly-blissful engagement period until we read up on “engagement anxiety” and how every little annoyance (does he really need to soak the dishes for 3 days?) makes you wonder, “Is he going to be like this for the rest of our lives??” (Yes.) Every tiny flaw becomes amplified (if you had sushi, wash the plate right away!) but eventually that too shall pass. For now.

7. Fake It Till You Make It

Get used to the phrase “It’ll look roughly the same as the picture, but a little different”. You’ll get it from florists, bakers, printers – and generally live in fear until the wedding day, afraid of the potential monstrosities that await you.

8. The Final Meltdown

I can joke about it now, but weeks leading up to the Meltdown Of All Time (MOAT), I’ve had daily headaches, teeth grinding, stomach problems, uncontrollable rage and tears until I finally ended up sobbing about all my problems, problems that haven’t happened yet, the photographer that stiffed us, why I’m not losing weight, that my dog is getting older and that I can’t manage everything on my own but no-one can help me. Which leads to the next stage…

9. Send Help

Accepting that I need help isn’t easy for someone like me, who’s capable as all hell. But trying to plan a wedding, an apartment move, co-ordinate printers, hotels, family, florists, bakers, candlestick makers; and handle the emotional stress of actually making a life-altering decision is not easy or possible for one human being. I cave.

I’ve never watched “Say Yes to the Dress” and I’m about to get married at 39 years old. That’s a lot of non-preparation.

10 years ago, I happily watched my sister, my best friend and peers get married. Since then, I’ve truly embraced my life as a single woman (honestly, it’s a blast if you do it right) and last December on my birthday, my sweet boyfriend proposed to me.

Don’t get me wrong, it was something I always hoped for and nagged about pretty much since the moment we met – but 3 years in, a girl has to let some stuff go to live. So now, I find myself in new territory.

The most crucial issues have to be addressed first! What about the dress?! “I don’t want a wedding dress”, I declared! “You’re a crazy bitch!”, my sister responded. I knew exactly what I didn’t want – nothing traditional, poufy, white or bridal.

Bridal store assistants pursed their lips at me. My mother and sister turned their heads away from my dress choices. My email to our cake store started with, “I’d like to order a non-wedding wedding cake”.

In fact, here’s a picture of me in a bridal store in my Van Halen t-shirt (wearing a moodstone choker, no less).

And then it slowly came upon me, my reluctance to be a bride. This is a slightly surreal moment for me, a moment I didn’t anticipate or plan to have at 39. Yes, everyone has different life stages and there’s no wrong age to get married if you’ve found love.

But I wasn’t prepared for it. I’m not a 28-year old girl in a 2 year relationship who can see where things are heading. I’m turning 39, headed to the proverbial alter with a man 5 years my junior.

But the moment arrived and I found myself completely unprepared. Nobody I know had gotten married recently – no-one had photographers or make-up artists to recommend. Nobody knew how much anything cost anymore.

All this made me feel isolated and if I couldn’t get a grasp on this bridal situation, how could I convince myself to be a bride? All this coupled with a few dramatic moments and vicious rumours really deterred me from feeling any form of bridal.

It’s taken me 3 months to come round and hop aboard the SS Bridal Brigade but here I am! I’m not talking a ballgown wedding dress or anything, let’s not go nuts – but I’m starting to get enthusiastic about the notion of me being a “bride”.

Whatever the hell that means.